Thursday, February 2, 2012
This post is for my close friends who have just met Candice or have just learned about her. If you have been reading my blog (and I hope you have because there will be a test later) most of this is not new to you. I just wanted to take this opportunity and give some insight as to how Candice fits into the world. I know having a friend like me is new and hopefully exciting. But many don't really know much about the transgendered world. I can only speak from my experience and I in no way can offer sound clinical/psychological information. All I can do is share my story.
Its funny how things change. More to the point, how people change. Not long ago I chose to explore a new direction for my life. I gave myself permission to make a leap of faith, to take a chance and face my fears head on. For years I fought to suppress and control a deep part of who I am. So much energy and time spent keeping my feminine side hidden away. I honestly can not fully regret the time I spent hiding and denying who I am on the inside. I was not ready to come forward. I was not ready to take the risk of losing friends, of scorn and ridicule. I started outing myself because I was finally ready to. Reaching a point in my life where I had the emotional strength and maturity (of course if you ask my friends, they may contest the maturity part) to allow Candice her freedom. I also have to thank the amazing, supportive and beautiful friends in my life. I am blown away by how loving and wonderful everyone has been. When I talk about this I have been told each time that I have always been a good friend and that they love me no matter who I am! Wow I may need to move the laptop in to a bigger room so I have space for my ego! I do have to say that karma works... Pay it forward kids, you get it back many times over.
Who knows and why... I have been selective on who I out myself to for a number of reasons. The biggest is professional. I own my own business but I work in a very narrow mined macho field where Candice would not be accepted. Or any alternative lifestyle for that matter (yup, I guess I am alternative alright!). Also I have a business partner who I would prefer not to be introduced to Candice. I never have mixed my personal and business lives anyway as a matter of choice. The Second reason for being selective is that I do not want my family involved. Its not that they would not be supportive its just that I have never been able to share anything about myself with them. It may be that I have spent so much time keeping this from anyone that I just cant get around the walls I have built up when it comes to my family, and I truly don't want to.
So now the circle is about 25-30 people from my male life. mostly women, but as a guy almost all of my friends are women. So statistically the male/female ratio is same for Candice. I appreciate and love everyone of you. Without you Candice would not come as far as she has, thank you!
I love being Candice and love expressing this side of my life. I truly spend more time as Candice than I do as a man. I want to be the best woman I can be, living the majority of my time as female.. As a woman I am happier, healthier, better balanced and free from the constraints that govern the male world. Candice has always been the stronger person. I just kept her suppressed and closeted (yes in the closet, ha ha) at great expense to my psychical and mental health. I know this may sound strange, especially for those who know me only as a guy. Living with two genders, two identities was a struggle to say the least.
Where I am now... First while I now express myself more as Candice, my male side is still a critical part of who I am well beyond the professional and family lives. So you now have two friends. And there is no gray area. It is funny the wall between the genders is solid. when I am a guy, I am a guy. Manly (yes, stop laughing), gun packing, guys guy. When I am Candice, and that is most of the time, I am one of the girls, and I love it. So the guy you know and love is still here and not going anyplace. Its just that Candice is on top now (giggle). She is out and she loves the fresh air!
Again, I want to thank all my friends for standing by me! I love you all.