Thursday, December 20, 2012

A Jersey Girl Goes Home? Plus More Adventures!


This is the season to put the blog on the back burner for a few weeks... Sorry I am too much of a social butterfly (code for whore) and have been on the go ever since I returned from my trip back to Jersey to meet my newly discovered siblings. Okay, newly discovered almost 6 months a go but you understand what I mean. In my last post and on my Facebook page I was joking about having to be in boy mode for an entire week. I was so caught up with getting to know my new siblings that I almost never gave a thought to missing my female self. What a wild experience! I fit in so well, it was like I was a part of the family all along. My one sister who knows about me and my girlish ways was my hostess. She has become a amazing friend to boot. Truth be told, the best part of the trip was having sisters! I grew up with a half brother so I was prepared for the brother-brother dynamic with my new brothers. But I never had a sister before, much less two of them. I love them sooo much! I can not wait for my next trip back to the land of my ancestors... New Jersey!


Now that the world did not end I can get back to Christmas preparations... Oh yea, I don't do any. I love my friends and my family. But what a cramp in the butt it is to get anything done this time of year. I am looking forward to a house party a girlfriend is having and Boxing Day cocktails with some other lady friends looking to get our "wine on". The above photo of me is outside a M.A.C. store trying not to purge my bank account into their registers. The very next day I was back at the same mall but in guy drab on my way home from work in Boy Land (really need to change career paths so I can work in Girl Land) and it sucked. I get so depressed when I am have my "man-on"...Okay that sounds kind of bad... All I see are the women and I want to be Candice. Not some lug with a penis. One of the low spots for me is the day after a night or a weekend as Candice. When I am back to guydom. Its like the post vacation blues when you come back from a really great trip and the next day you are back to the same old grind. It is getting better though. Every day I move closer and closer to becoming a more complete woman.


I really can not complain too much. I do have a very full and active life as Candice and I truly have never been happier. I have even asked my friends to change me in their contact lists to Candice. Because it is who I am. I keep that other guy around just to pay the bills and make an appearance now and then.





This past Monday night my girlfriend Kelly took me to the Nutcracker Ballet as a early Christmas gift! What a treat. The photo below is the outfit I picked out for that evening.This was my second time attending a Ballet performance and I loved it. Having always been a big fan of live theater the Ballet has become a new interest for this girl. It really is nice to get a little more dressy now and then.The dress Kelly had on was killer (I hate that tall skinny bitch... LOL) I wish I had a photo of it to show you... But this is my blog and its all about ME! I am the pretty on in this page... Okay not really, all my girlfriends are stunning (hate them). .


Christmas is only a few days away and I am cutting back on some of my work. I regularly take off between Christmas and the New Year. Last year soon after I really started producing this blog on a regular basis I took those days to Candi-up full time. I was hoping to do the same this year but I have one project I need to work on so I will need a little of the time in guy drab. It sucks but I am sure I will survive.


Internet wise it has been a slow couple of weeks. Only three marriage proposals and about half a dozen inappropriate emails form tranny chasers. It must be the holidays getting in the way. I am positive the lude messages and proposals will pick back up after the first of the year. A girl can only hope! Honestly the creap out factor is very hight with some of those guys. Most I feel are married and on the "down low' with their sexuality. Sad very sad. On a lighter note my Pintrest addiction is going well! I am on it pinning my ass off all the time! I love it. The cool thing is that it truly is a wonderful resource for almost anything you are into. I will be pinning away right after I publish this post!


I love my day to day life as a woman.and like I stated above, it is getting fuller all  the time. After the holidays are over (can't come soon enough) I am going to step up my progress in to filling even more of my life with womanly goodness. I will be setting up a few outings for my girlfriends who I do not have a chance to see much of and want to spend time with the real me. I am also looking at contributing to other blogs and sites to  talk about transgender issues etc... I have two girlfriends who are very versed in these areas and have been getting information and guidance from them. I an even thinking about doing a trans based fashion blog (it wont be about dressing like a tranny hooker!).


So I have a special treat this time around. As you know (because you read this blog and are a huge fan) I like to end the blog with some stunning butt shots. This time a very good friend of mine is making a appearance as the first "guest butt shot" ever! I think This will be a regular feature. You know mixing it up with some fresh butts now and then. So with out any introduction (she asked to keep her ass anonymous) I give you this blogs first guest butt....


And now my boring old butt...





This one is not my butt!


Have a Merry Christmas ans a wonderful  New Year to you all may Santa bring you those Louboutins you have always wanted! XXOO

Candi

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Candice Goes To Church And The "T" Word.


This past Sunday I took another big step on the path to living my life as a woman... I went to Church... I know shocking! What was I thinking! Crazy talk... For those who know me I am not a very religious woman. Not that going to church makes me a more of a woman. Or even that only "real" women go to church. I went for two very strong reasons; First I have not been to a church service in over a year. I usually attend church as a guest of a friend and have worshiped in almost every type of christian venue from a Catholic Church to Mormon one. What I have not done is attend services at the church I chose to join as a young person in over 30 years! And that is what I did Sunday. My girlfriends Kelly, Alicia and myself went to the Methodist church where Kelly and Alicia regularly attend services. What a wonderful experience it was. Everyone was so warm and welcoming. I can not wait to go back! More about this later. The second reason  I went to church is really not about going to church its self but about starting to fill in more of my day to day life as Candice. Truly focusing on living each day as my female self.. The simple acts of attending a church service or running errands, the stuff that makes up our daily lives I strive to accomplish as Candice. As some of my best girlfriends have pointed out that being a woman is not all cocktails, happy hours and girls nights out! I could not agree more. Being trans is kind of like being a vampire. Most girls only come out after dark and live in the world of the bar and club. I would dare say that most are not willing to face the harsh florescent light of the grocery store, much less the light of day. I love the light of day and I embrace my life as a woman.

    
Back to church... I will be honest, I have drifted from my faith for a number of reasons. I have doubts and I question the validity of my faith and  religion on the whole. I do not think this is a bad thing. I think it is better to question and test ones faith and beliefs than to blindly follow them. Spirituality is a product of the soul while religion is a product of man. Man by nature is prone to flaws and mistakes. So my feeling is that when you find a group that shares your beliefs, be it Methodist, Catholic, Mormon, Muslim, Jewish etc... It is a wonderful thing. Just be true to your heart and to your God first, the church second. As I continue on my path I never really thought about the spiritual aspect of my continuing transition. When my girlfriend Kelly suggested I go with her to church, it truly felt like was right thing to do. By going I was not and I am not looking for absolution or to confess my sins and bare my soul  to God. I am fairly certain the the lord is well aware of who I am and what I have done. My journey is a rich and complicated one at best. Facing my faith (or lack of) and my spirituality is necessary if I am to make the right choices about who I am and where I am going.


Lets talk about the "T" word(s)... Tranny, trans, TG, TS, TV, CD, Gurl, even shemale...  Everyone who is part of a particular cultural, social, professional and ethnic group etc... has a certain amount of  license when using what could be considered derogatory vernacular to describe the group or the people in the group. Just look at the routines popular Jewish, black, Irish, even women comedians. as well as others. Each openly uses language that if used by someone from outside that group, would be considered insulting or worse. I am not saying this is a bad thing, but I will say that some groups do not do themselves any favors by openly perpetuating inflammatory or negative images of the group they represent. It is all about language. When I got this blog rolling I was so concerned about the words I used to describe myself and the trans community as a whole. I did mot want to use words like "tranny" I wanted to be a little too "PC" I even used words to draw a line between myself and who I was becoming. For example I did not want to use the word "girl" instead I used the common word "gurl" used by many in the transgendered community. As I come to terms with who I am and the woman I am becoming I no longer feel it is correct or honest to use terms like "gurl". I am a woman, it is who I am, even if I transition mo father than I have so far. In my heart I am a woman. Nothing can change that and nor would I want anything to change that. Going back over the blog I just noticed the evolution of the language progressing along with my journey and my growth as a woman.


I am down to being male socially once a week sometimes less now. Work is work and a girls has got to earn a living so for now the daily boy grind continues. I just can not believe how much better I feel expressing myself as a woman. Being honest and owning who you are is a wonderful thing. That being said, This Thanksgiving I am headed back east to have dinner with my long lost siblings. My one sister knows and loves me as Candice but thinks we need to bring the others into the circle slowly. Because having a transgendered bother who is becoming a sister is a little outside of there experience zone. The only real downside if the trip is that I will be stuck in boy mode for 6 days! I have not have had that much consecutive time as a guy in almost a year or so! I posted about this dilemma on FB a few days ago and go a number of good creative responses from my friends. I said by day three I should be craving a nice skirt and some cute heels! I am a dressy girl after all.


This girl has a busy week. I have dinner dates with a old girlfriend and her husband and another girlfriend who is coming into town with her boyfriend. I will be going back to church Sunday with Kelly. Life really is good! But even better in heels (or cute flats too). I am so happy that the season has changed. Fall/winter is my favorite time of year for fashion. I love the layers and scarves! And don't let me get started on boots and tights! Being a girl is just fun and yummy sometimes! Hell I am still addicted to Pintrest! Yikes...

 
I love how openly narcissistic most blogging is. Especially with the nature of ones like mine.  I do have a more lofty view of this blog because I  use it to process my thoughts, share my story with my friends and to give something to other girls in the trans community. But I guess many bloggers all have a lofty view of their work as well.There is a guilty thrill knowing that my hit counter is closing in on 8000 page views. It is even a little flattering (despite the fact that I can't stand them) to get a note from a tranny chaser also known as an "admirer" (you have got to love this whole language thing). One of the first things I recommend to any girl who contacts me asking for advice, is to start a blog or a journal, Get your thoughts out on paper. it has saved my life and helped me along my way.


Well I have to run. I hope you all have a safe, happy and wonderful Thanksgiving! I will leave you with a butt shot or two. XOXO



Love you all! Stay sassy my friends!
Candi

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

International Tranny Day


Hello kids! Well its that time of year again... Excitement is in the air as we fast approach the greatest transgendered Holiday of them all; Yes that's right its Halloween! Well okay I guess it would be the only thing close to a transgendered holiday if there was such a thing. Back in the dark time when I was closeted Halloween afforded me the one chance each year to express my true self to the real world beyond the closet door. All under the guise of being in costume. This is so true for many girls like myself. Now however I have a new dilemma. Because I have come out and live such a large part of my life openly as my female self, I no longer have the need to "dress up as a girl" and pass it off as a costume. In a way I will miss the excitement of being out in "drag" on that special day so dear to many a transgendered soul. Fending off comments like "you seem a little to comfortable dressed like that" or "who did your makeup?" Being dressed to mach how I feel and who I am out in the real world no longer requires a specific holiday. Dressing to express my female side is the rule now not the exception. So it is off to the Halloween store for this girl. Maybe one of those costumes for women like a naughty nurse or naughty pirate or naughty school girl or naughty anything for that matter! I am not sure when Halloween became such a slut fest but it is kind of fun! So when you are at a Halloween party and you see a guy you know in drag... He may be my people! Please be kind and supportive. For so many girls this is the only time they have a chance to venture out.


Some more fun... Pintrest is a evil mistress. Really it is! I am completely addicted to it. Having a app for it on my phone does not help in the least. I want to have the baby of the person who created it! I love pinning outfits, hair styles, shoes, and many more even  pinning  about other transgendered girls. I know this may seem a bit shallow but I have found that I am a girl who loves fashion and likes to be a lady. Pintrest is simply a tool that I can use to help shape my individual sense of style. So girls if you are not on Pintrest I recommend taking a look around. You can find everything from DIY projects for the home to amazing recipes and even fitness tips. So it is much more than cute clothes and hot shoes. Even though I do likes me a cute outfit and some CFM heels! Wink, Wink... Pintrest rocks kids.


I must tell you all that is is surreal watching myself and my world change right in front of me. Even my sister is a huge supporter of my journey and my friends are amazing. I am truly having the time of my life. A few posts ago I told you all about the discovery of 5 half brothers and sisters I had no idea even existed. I am not going to try and explain the family structure and how this all happened. It would take a spreadsheet and a fancy Power Point presentation. But I am headed out to see them over Thanksgiving. This should be interesting. I was even joking with a friend that with all the skeletons in my families closet coming to light I have no idea why I still cling to this apprehension or rather aversion  I have to telling my parents about myself. That is why I am talking to a professional after all!


About a week ago I was having dinner with my girlfriend Kelly. During the conversation I told her that when I look a women I am almost always torn between desire and envy. Desire because I am attracted to women and envy because I have wanted to be the woman inside for so long. Kelly then said to me "envy wins most of the time doesn't it"... Yes it does! My inner gal has always struggled to express herself. When I look at women I see grace, elegance, style, strength. I see smooth lines, a warmth, a gentleness. I know men men can have the same qualities, but honestly it is not the same. When I see men and when I am in guy mode all I see and feel is abrasiveness and static. I know I am biased because of my inner gender identity, but that is what I truly experience. It is not all about being dressed or how they dress. Its about appreciating a woman's energy and spirit. A energy I crave to grow in myself.



I was chatting with a good friend and she said being a woman is not all about happy hours and girls nights out. I agreed with her completely. I understand that I will never know fully what a woman goes through during her lifetime, emotionally, physically, or the challenges and joys a woman will experience. I am deeply saddened by knowing I will never truly be fully female. I can change my lifestyle, live as a woman, make surgical and cosmetic changes to my body, but I will never fully know what it is to be a woman from the perspective of someone that was born a woman. From the vantage point of someone who reads this blog or is a friend on Facebook it may seen that my idea of being a woman is about the clothing and the going out on the town... It is not When I post photos and "check in" places with my girlfriends on Facebook or post my adventures on this blog, its all about the celebration of being free to be who I am, who I want to be. Every dinner, every happy hour, every girls night out is a small victory and a big middle finger to the closet I will never go back into. I also believe the postings help other girls see that the would will not crash down on them out side of the closet door. There are risks with coming out but breathing fresh air and being true to yourself out strips  the risks in my book.

Well I think its time for some butt shots and for this girl to get some sleep. I have a uninspiring day in guy drab ahead of me tomorrow, Fun (not)!




Have a great day and Happy Tranny Day!
XXOO
Candi


This is not a butt shot...

Sunday, September 30, 2012

First Things First...


Hello my friends. It is Sunday (for me, I do not know what day you will be reading this) and the only plan I have is to stay home and do as little as possible. Well beyond working on this post and drinking coffee (mmm, coffee) that is. In the last few weeks since my last posting I have taken a extensive amount of time to do some real soul searching about my life as both a woman and a man. Where I want to go and how to get there. Not a day has gone by since I was a child that I have not thought about the woman inside of me and how much she has wanted her freedom. But for the first time, even since coming out I have finally taken the time to be alone and with my thoughts and ask myself some really hard questions. I know it sounds odd to read that, given that this entire blog has been about my journey into a world where Candice can live her life openly. You would think that I have been doing just that all along.


The fact of the matter is that I as a woman have changed since coming out. When this blog stared I was fairly adamant about "Not feeling like I could fully transition" as in have SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). I never fully closed the door on the possibility but at the time I allowed my male self to put up defenses and protect its self.  I have taken this time to break down those same defense mechanisms. These "road blocks" had to be removed to allow myself the clarity of thought needed to truly address the duality of my life as it now stands.

What I have discovered during this time is;

1) I am putting too much on my plate at one time (no not a diet problem, that's another issue). by this I mean that I am worried about too much, career choices, gender issues, where I want to live, dealing with family etc... What is needed is to "simply" focus on what Candice needs and wants out of her/my life as a woman. Then adapting the rest of my life to reach my goals as a woman. Simply taking one step at a time rather then having  the transgendered equivalent of ADHD or as I like to call it OLSS (Oh Look, Something Shiny).

2) I have come to accept that with a professionals guidance I am finally allowing myself to fully embrace the option of transitioning and living my life as the woman I have always wanted to be. What that life will look like depends on the thoughts and goals from the first step above.

3) Life is not set in stone. As I continue on my journey I must accept and be open to changes in both my attitude and the reality of the situation I live in. Life is fluid and adaptability is the key to survivability and success.

4) Now the boy is on the inside. As my male self continuously becomes a smaller part of my day to day life I now honestly feel like a woman with a man inside of her (kind of sounds naughty). I love this change in my life the most. I have never felt more alive, free and challenged.

I know these bullet points may seem like very broad generalizations on my part and I did leave out how much I wanted to have my own breasts. But there is a tremendous amount of depth and self realization behind each of these four points, more than I could cover in this blog (God breasts would be nice).


So life in the girl lane is moving along well. Over the years I have hit a few speed bump and made a few wrong turns but now I know I am on the right road and headed in the right direction.




Life as Candice is a gift. presenting yourself to the world as a woman is hard work (having my own breasts would make it easier) even for genetic women. I could never go back to being a guy like I was. I may not have all the right parts but I have the right soul.

In the time since the last post I have had some wonderful outings with my girlfriends. I sometimes get contacted by other girls like myself  about my outings and "how do I do it" or how do I have so many friends. Most are young and very closeted and only out themselves online through venues like Facebook. 
My advice to these girls is to look at yourself and try to be true to who you are on the inside. If being a crossdresser is a sexually driven act then be honest and about it because thigh high boots and a tube top are not going to fly in a nice bistro or a night at the theater. Unless you like the look that screams submissive tranny hooker. If you want to express a truly female side then look at women in your age group and how they dress and act. Work with that. Be a student of women, style and fashion. remember women dress for other women. not for men (if women dressed for men all they would need is hot jeans and a tight tee shirt). 
As for friends... If you do not think your friends would support you expressing your inner woman or just being true to yourself in any fashion then you need new friends . DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE UNDER THE THREAT OR FEAR OF OTHER PEOPLES JUDGMENTS OR PREJUDICES. That is not living. 


Most importantly, be amazing, be kind, have a open mind, respect others. Be the friend you would want have. Be honest with yourself at all times, try and speak in complete sentences and think critically about the word around you. These are all tools that on the whole can not guarantee happiness, but they will help you find it.

OK, time for butt shots because I need to get some lunch and I think I was getting a little soapbox-y on this post. I think the next one will be about shoes, bags and clothes. I got to lighten this up from time to time! LOL.



    


Have a great day everyone, what ever day it is for you! 

XXOO
Candi.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

To "V" Or Not To "V" That Is The Question...


Hello my friends... In the last two weeks I have been a very busy girl. Last week I was out three nights in a row. This week I had two items on my calendar. Tuesday was our regular girls night out and Thursday was a little dinner with a couple of girlfriends I do not get to see that much of. I know I like to brag a little about my near constant outings (I am a social whore after all) but this time its a little different. There has been a underlying theme cropping up during some of my adventures and I wanted to share it with you all.


The theme really boils a question that has started to come up with greater frequency now that being Candice is a real and regular part of my life and that of my friends (and my sister's too)... That question is; Do I plan on transitioning? Having the "operation"? or some variations of these. Well the answer is still I do not know. Only because I do not know if it would be the right thing from a psychological/clinical level. I have always wanted to be a woman from my earliest memories as a child through to today. If it was as simple as taking a pill or pushing a button I would not hesitate. But the process is complicated, risky, heartbreaking, irreversible and takes the kind of resolve I may not have. This is why people who choose to transition are vetted by medical professionals over years not months. There is always the looming possibility of  having "buyers remorse" because as you know..."All the kings men and all the kings horses could not put Humpty's junk back together again" I have found a few recommended therapists in my area. I will set up appointments over the next few months to explore what my options could be. I may just end up living two lives like in my current situation. Not what I would hope for but something I can live with.


Another aspect on the subject of transitioning I find interesting is the varied and strong reactions I receive from some my girlfriends when it comes to the issue of surgical transition.  Its not about choosing to live as a woman. I can say with much confidence that almost all of my friends would support that choice. Now the percentage of friends who have objections or strong concerns about taking this big of a step is very small. Of that percentage, most are worried about the "buyers remorse" I noted above. Some are adverse to the medical risks and I think a even smaller number just not comfortable with the idea of reconstructing ones genitals. All valid concerns given the permanence of the procedure. As for my relationship with my boy bits, twig and berries, the old wedding vegetables, the frank and beans, bat and balls, etc... I really am neutral. They serve their purpose and have done a good job over the years. but for the most part they are just in the way and if not put away right can ruin the line of a nice skirt or dress! So like I have noted in the past, my situation, when it comes to my evolving womanhood has now gone beyond my ability to process what my goals really are and how to make the informed choices to reach those goals. I am very respectful and aware of the risks, demands and gravity related to more permanent changes in my life as Candice. I will keep my friends and readers informed at to how this part of my life progresses because I do believe that sharing my story can help others with their own journey... I guess you could think of surgical transitioning as being the ultimate form of recycling or rather re-purposing. It sounds like a very green thing to do... or should I say a very "pink" thing to do!


I love walking out my door as Candice. Every foray out into the word as my feminine self is a true gift. Its a gift I must truly thank all my amazing and brilliant friends for helping make it possible that I can be true to myself. All to often girls like me are hemmed in by the fear of rejection, ridicule, or worse. I know I had those same fears over the years. Because of the unwavering support, love and friendship you all have given me I can walk out that door with pride and a smile on my face. I can openly discuss the prospect of truly changing my gender. I can tell the world this is who I am. When people read this blog I am thanked and praised for the honesty and bravery I show in sharing my story. I do not consider it brave to tell like it is. I think of it as giving something back. Educating the "non-transgendered" (civilian) and showing trans-girls there is a way to be who you want to be.


There are other changes afoot in my life that are in some aspects related to my life as a woman. I have decided to work on a exit plan to retire from my current business and venture into another field. over the next several years. Of course the hard part is deciding on what path to take and how Candice should fit into that choice. I have been doing my current gig for 19 years and it is time for a change. I feel the business has reached it limits for the market it is in and really has be flat for a very long time. It does provide a great income but with most cases of burnout, I am becoming more and more indifferent and apathetic with each passing day. The prospect of  being able to make positive changes and starting with a "clean slate" and looking at the word with a fresh set of eyes is liberating and invigorating.


There are very few male friends I want to spend any time with at all anymore. As Candice continues to take shape, I find that I am more and more dissuaded to bond with other men. More to the point I am finding myself disgusted by male behavior in general. When ever I see a group of men, all I can think is "what a bunch of D-Bags". I am no way saying this is the way other women feel about men or should. I think that I just truly prefer the disposition, attitude, and grace of women to the aspects that define male behavior. The women in my life make me a better person, they help make me a better woman. Men, not so much.


Next week a girlfriend is getting married to a great guy (one of the ones I consider a friend not a D-Bag). I even got to meet her and help her pick out her wedding gown! How cool is that! She is getting married in the  early morning one day next week so I am going to miss the ceremony but I will be there for the party later that day! Its amazing opportunities like the chance to help out a girlfriend pick out her gown that make me thankful for being Candice. I now have a very open attitude when it comes to meeting new women friends. In the past I would hold back and see what kind of person they may be before I tell them about Candice. Now I just put out on the table. I am not going to ram Candice down anyone's throat. but if that person wants to know more or even explore a friendship with my feminine side the door is open. the photo below is a of a great and wonderful new girlfriend who I truly adore.


Girls rock! I will be going out a couple of times next week and will be continuing to work on my future plans.  Candice is who I am at my core. And  I need to work on my "core" LOL OK that was a little fitness pun...


I guess I will wrap up with a few more photos and a butt shot or two...


I love this top!


This is the lucky gal who is getting married! You should see her in the gown she picked out! Stunning.


Boys are gross! Look how stunning my girlfriends are!


Yup... Butt shots. :-)


Well kids, that's all till next time! Be happy, be good to each other and be safe!

XXOO
Candi.