Thursday, February 16, 2012
Late Night Dinner.
Last night I joined a few girlfriends for a late dinner. We had a wonderful time together. It was so nice to be out after a somewhat crappy day at work. Some good food and girl talk was just what the doctor ordered. The friendships I have with each of my girlfriends as Candice is so much deeper and richer than any friendship I have had as a guy. Not that I did not have good solid bonds with my friends as a male. It is that I feel the emotional bond is stronger and deeper between my female self and my girlfriends. Women freely talk about fears, hopes, dreams, feelings and everything in between. The freedom of expression that exists for me as a woman is a gift I never enjoyed as a male. As a guy... well those topics are either not covered or glassed over, unless it involves a tragic or life altering event. Even then men just suck it up and keep it tucked away someplace. The ironic thing is that now that I can see both sides of the gender fence, I am still trapped by typical male behavior patterns.
You would think that because I love being Candice and see the benefits of freely expressing ones self and emotions, that I would modify my male behavior to reflect that emotional freedom. Nope. It does not work that way. For me there are two reasons why I can not apply the healthier openness of my female self to my male self.
1) As a male I still am working in the same restrictive emotional box that men have been working in forever. I is mostly a box built by environmental conditioning. By that I mean, typical male behavior that we see has been nurtured and reinforced through generations. Each successive generation saying this is how you should act, boys don't cry, suck it up, walk it off etc... Also there is a large genetic or instinctively driven differences that make up male behavior patterns. Boys and girls are truly different at the core. Ask any parent that has both a boy and a girl child. The combination of cultural/societal nurturing and the genetic or instinctive factors make up the box I must operate in as a male. As such I am limited by the behavior expected of me that comes from that box.
2) Now that I have truly divided my male and female selves, my male side has embraced all the learned/nurtured male behavior. It could be seen as a survival mechanism. as a way to protect my male identity. Along those lines, I am still genetically male (ugh) so the primeval genetic forces still drive base emotional behavior as well. This also serves to protect the male self.
So the wall between my expressed genders is stronger than ever and I like it that way. I feel by recognizing an accepting this division has made it easier to and healthier to exist as both male and female.
Altogether. I am so much more alive and happier as Candice. Allowing myself to let Candice out and live how I want on my terms has saved my life. It may be hard to understand if you are not somehow transgendered, but it is true. I am so much more healthier and better balanced that I have ever been. I may not be female in body but I am in my heart.
Simply put, being a girl is cool and fun. and don't let anyone tell you different! Girls rock. my girlfriends rock, and boys are gross! Damn I feel like having a pillow fight and doing someones hair!... Sorry estrogen rush just hit LOL :-) Have a great day everyone!