Saturday night I attended a open house Christmas party that I unfortunately had to attend in boy mode (ugh). It was a large party with a few hundred people. As the night progressed I found myself studying the women and how they were dressed. Now this is not unusual for me as I study women all the time. But this was different, I felt a wave of depression and envy pass through me. I wanted so bad to be dressed up to match how I feel on the inside. I wanted to wear my cute sweater dress with the tights and high heel boots! I wanted to be the one in the dark jeans, booties, pretty top and vest with fur trim! Not that I don't look good as a guy or don't know how to dress well. Not at all, I am very well dressed when I go out in boy mode. Its just that I feel that dressing like a man is uninspired, boring, and very uniform like.
Look around at any gathering in almost any situation. Guys; Khakis, jeans, shirts, polos... Women; Dresses, skirts, capris slacks, jeans, flats, heels, wedges, and blouses, tops and tunics of every description. Plus mounds of accessories to pull the look together. So much more fun, so much more energy, so much more creativity. When I am out with my friends as Candice, They all say that I have so much more energy and am so much happier than when I am in boy mode. "I light up"
Now you could make the argument that I feel this way because I spent so much time and energy repressing and hiding my feminine side that its only natural to feel this enthusiastic. I disagree. I have been dealing with my crossderssing head on for a long time. And even though this past year I have just started truly going out beyond the safety of the gay bar /crossdresser gathering I have always known that part of me (a big part) is truly a woman. And as a woman I take pride in my femininity and how I look and dress.
What I took away from the party is that Candice is a strong force in my life and happily becoming even stronger. I love being a woman and really want to be the best woman I can! Its funny but I do think spending time as a woman has even made me a better man.