Redeifining... Coffee... and Bags...

Happy New Years Eve everyone! So it is a long weekend and I am taking the time to spend as much of it as I can a Candice. This photo was taken this morning as I started my "girl time". I had to do a few thing in guy drab this morning before I could change. So after a nice hot shower and pampering myself, I pulled on a comfy pair of yoga pants and a cute tank. Heaven! One of my girlfriends may come over to borrow a wig to wear to a party tonight. Tomorrow Michelle is coming over for lunch and Jennifer is coming over for dinner. Its so fun being a hostess. Monday is just relaxing and reading.

Last night I was reading some blogs from like minded gurls such as myself. I found the phrase "male to female" used in many of them. The "to" in the phrase was bothering me. In my last post I talked about how a definitive line exists between my male and female self. I feel that I am truly both genders. Overall my feminine side is stronger and I feel that is more of who I truly am. Yet the existence of my male side is still a crucial part of my makeup. So does that mean I am a intergendered person?

I did a search on the word intergrndered, and it is a word (thanks Google) and in a nut shell its definition does  fit how I feel about who I am. Basically it is used to describe a person who expresses traits of both genders. Stepping back and looking at who I am, I would say that I am transgendered. To the extent that I am shifting my gender expression to a female dominant position and working at developing as a woman. The end game of this transition is that I will find the point that at what levels am I happy as both a woman and as a man. Then I would consider myself intergendered.


OK, so much for all that introspective stuff! Time for some girl talk. I was at the market this morning while on my errands. I like to stop at a fancy grocery store and get a illy coffee to start my day. I had a little time to kill, and in the same plaza as the market is a Brighton store! OMG the bags are beautiful and pricey! I have one and I love it. My friend Michelle has turned me in to a purse whore! Thank goodness the store was not open yet, I would have melted some plastic! I love to window shop. As a woman the world is full of endless potabilities for expression. I love it. After that I was really motivated to finish what I had to to so I could come home and get my girl on!  

Well girls I am going to fix a cup of coffee and watch a movie. Every one have a safe night out and have the time of your life! Welcome 2012!

Love Candi

NewYears Weekend...

This weekend I will be spending almost all my time as Candice! I have a happy hour to attend tonight and a few things I need to do in guy drab in the morning. But after that it all Candice for more than two and a half days! This is going to be so nice. I don't have any plans to go out for New Years Eve, but thats the way I want it. The holidays are so packed with one event/party/dinner after another this girl needs some downtime! It will be nice to relax in the "lady-cave" for a while. One girlfriend will be over for lunch one day and another will be over for dinner. I love to cook and entertain.

The best part is that even though I will go back to work on Tuesday morning in boy mode, that night is girls night out! So I will only need to be a boy for about 8 or 9 hours! Yea! Overall it will be closer to three and a half days as a woman. What a great way to start off the new year.

My friend Jennifer asked what I am going to wear around the house. I answered yoga pants and a knit top or a simple dress. I know a lot of my girlfriends like to lounge around in sweats, but I feel that sweats are too gender neutral. As Candice I don't like to wear anything that is androgynous, non gender specific or any article of male clothing a woman would wear without thought. For me the clothing defines my femininity and how I feel as I develop my female side. Wearing anything other than "true" womens clothing feels disingenuous. There is a hard fast line between who Candice is and who my male self is. As I spend more time as Candice the more defined and pronounced the line becomes.

In the past I would dress and go out with other crossdressers but my female identity was not really formed. Therefor my gender identity was in a kind of limbo. Now that I am learning who Candice is and being true to my transgendered state the division between the male and female self is amazing to me. I really am two people with two lives. And its working and I am the happiest I have ever been!

I will be posting in the blog through the weekend as well as adding photos. Have a great New Years Eve and be safe!

Love Candi.

   

The New Year.

This photo was taken one night when I was having dinner with my dear friend Jennifer. Jennifer was one of the first close female friends I outed myself to. I could have not picked a better person to tell. Our friendship as grown stronger and closer each passing day. Indeed I can say the same thing for all my girlfriends and our relationships. But Jennifer's positive view and enthusiasm helped push the door to the outside world open.I don't know how I could ever repay her for helping me see the bigger world beyond the closet and the drag bar.

You could say that the time was right and I may have just came out on my own. But I truly don't think that was the case. Jennifer was the catalyst that changed everything. Thank you Jen! With all my heart!

As my circle of friends grow and my feminine side develops, each of my girlfriends adds to who I am and who I am becoming. Each is an amazing role model that I draw inspiration and guidance from everyday.

With the New Years only a few days way, my heart is full of joy and promise. I have never felt so good as a person. For the first time I am honest and true to who I am.

Living between two genders is no easy task. The reality of my situation is that because of business concerns, I must be guarded about who knows what. But I am willing to make this concession to protect my livelihood. Beyond this limitation I am finding balance and happiness. My stated goal in past posts has been to and still is, to live as a woman to the greatest extent I can. And it is happening!        

Jennifer and I were texting today and she noted that I am starting to put "real girls" to shame! Because I put so much time and effort in how I look and what I wear. I told her that no one ever looks at her or any other of my girlfriends and questions if they are women or not. With me it is a different story! I work at being a woman and the image I put out there. because underneath the knit pants and cute top I am sill a man. I need to put twice the effort into being a woman just to get by as much as I do! But it is worth it. I live for my time as Candice.

As my future unfolds. I need to examine how my life will be and what I want from it. Even now I really think of myself more of a part time male then a part time woman. This is a good thing! Coming to terms with my transgenderism and realizing I am much more than just a crossdresser was a tremendous leap in the right direction.

I would like to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year. May you all find what you are looking for!

With love,
Candi.

Out And About & More...

Another wonderful night out with good friends! Who could ask for more? I can't wait for next Tuesday's girls night out!. We also were talking about having a day out with brunch and shopping. Thank you ladies for joining me!

I was talking to the girls tonight about my wardrobe. I told them, if I could live as a woman full time, I would be set. I have a handle on my own personal style and a good idea of what works well for me. And my wardrobe supports these facts. This did not just happen. I worked on it and spent a lot of good money and time putting my collection of clothing together. My friends Jennifer, Michelle and Kelly all rave about my shoe collection alone! But what girl does not like shoes?  I think of all this as an investment into who I really am and what I would like to become.

The most difficult thing in my opinion to do when putting a look or outfit together is getting past the male habit of matching just colors. I swear most grown men could get by with basically adult granimals. When dressing as a woman it is more about working with the small details and tying them together. My two biggest weak points are, accessories and purses. Thanks to my friend Michelle who is the queen of handbags (and shoes) my collection of bags is growing. As for accessories, I just need to acquire more pieces. I have also discovered a love of scarves.

There is so much that goes into the image a woman wants to project, that sometimes getting it right can be a challenge. One of the biggest problems is having too much crap in ones wardrobe. A lot of times its a simple thing to pick a item or two up from the sale rack or the local Ross Dress for Less store. only to find out nothing works with that $5 plaid and poke-a-dot blouse, you just had to have. This last year I spent a good deal of time purging all the access out of my wardrobe. Anything of questionable taste or did not fit. Anything blatantly out of style or did not hang well on me. Now I have a closet full of things I want to wear and know work for me.

I still love to shop and find cool things. The difference is now I spend the time needed to think through any item I may want to pick up. I think of... What do have that can work with this piece? Were could I wear it? Do I have something similar? Is it age appropriate for me? And sometimes I am looking for a specific item to create a outfit.

I encourage all my sisters to really develop a good solid wardrobe and a style that works for them. It all goes to being able to function in the civilian world as a woman. Simply it is worth the time and money to do it right.

Wishing everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Candi

The Flock Grows by 2

Merry Christmas all! I hope everyone is having a good holiday season. I have a very close friend named Lauren who is like a sister to me and I lover her dearly. We have been friends for years and have even traveled to Europe together. Lauren has kind of half known about my dressing and going out. She is friends with some of the women I regularly go out with. So she has heard some things and has seen some photos. But I never directly told her and confirmed what she has in a way, half known/suspected. This is mostly because even though we a very close I could never get a handle on how she would take it and I was afraid I could lose the close friendship we have. But I figured if she has an idea about what is going on and we are still this close, why not just tell her.

I did... Last night at a happy hour with the support from some of my girlfriends who know me as Candice, I came out to her. It was amazing.. At first she was a little resistant, but with the help of my girlfriends she warmed up to the idea and will be joining us next Tuesday for girls nigh out! By the end of the night we became closer than we have ever been!  I am so happy, I truly love that woman.

One down one to go. At the happy hour was another woman who I know but is kind of a new friend named Lori. She is a close fiend of my girlfriend Kelly,who was also there last night and knows me as Candice. So I walked up to Kelly and told her that Lauren now knows (she was so happy I told Lauren) and asked if I should tell Lori. I was told in no uncertain terms "ABSOLUTELY!"  I guessed that was a yes... so I did. Wow did that girl light up! I showed her some photos and we chatted for a while. She also will be joining us next Tuesday. Looks like Tuesdays girls night out is shaping up to be a good sized group. Its going to be fun!

I am truly thankful to all my friends and for the acceptance, love ans support they have all given me. I am blessed. I love them all so much! This last year has been an amazing time for me. Candice is free and loving every second of it! The New Year is going to be full of life and adventure and I could not ask for a better group for friends to share that adventure with!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

With love,
Candi.

Wine, Food and Friends.

Tonight was just what I needed! A night out with my close girlfriends! We had such a nice night. A few glasses of wine, good food and a couple of hours chatting and catching up.I decided not to go with the red twin set I was planning to wear.This printed set worked so well with my new hair, I had to wear it out. I paired it with a pair of navy ponte knit pants and black 3' suede wedges. I also had a new purse that was a gift from a friend. The girls loved the outfit and the bag too! That praise means so much to me. My girlfriends are all stunning beautiful women and when it comes to style I listen to them. It looks like for the next few weeks Tuesday nights will become the regular girls night out. I have the perfect knit dress and high heel boots for next Tuesday.

Two of my girlfriends gave me early Christmas gifts tonight. One is a beautiful necklace with keys hanging from it. She said it was to represent all the new doors that are opening up for me! What a sweet thought. My other girlfriend gave me a gift card to a high end market were I get my Illy coffee every morning! My girls know me so well! I love them!

During the course of the evening the girls starting calling themselves "Candi Girls" because of the time we spend together. Am I lucky or what! I just love being one of the girls!

Well I am off to bed my friends. My best to all of you and a special thanks to my friends who have gone out of their way to love and support me as I take this journey. I have never been happier! Love you all!

Candi

Transgendered...

Tomorrow night I am going out with a few of the girls to a new place in town. It is going to be so nice. This past weekend was packed with one function/party/dinner after another. All of it in boy mode... sigh... I am done with guy drab, its time for some girl fab! I have a few outfits in mind for tomorrow. The one I think will work best is a red twin set with a drape neckline paired with gray knit pants. Still working on what shoes to wear. I will include a photo with my next posting. Picking out what to wear can be almost as much fun as the event itself. I need this night out so bad!

As a guy I feel so weighted down, restricted. Being my feminine self is so liberating it is almost like a drug. The euphoria that expressing my female side brings over me is unbelievable. I am in no way saying that as a female I have no cares or responsibility. Or that women all must lead magical care free lives because dressing up like one feels so good. Not at all. We all work hard and have our own struggles and triumphs regardless of gender. What I can tell you is that the time I get to spend as Candi is truly amazing. So much so that I don't want it to stop and when it does I cant wait to be my feminine self again. I truly feel more like a woman than a man.

I went a little crazy buying myself gifts... 9 tops, 2 pair of pants, one pair of shoes and a new wig! Merry Christmas to me girlfriend! My girlfriend Michelle is on a mission to supply me with cool purses. She just gave me two new ones! That is on top of the two she has already given me. She tells me she just wants to build my purse collection/wardrobe. You got to love friends like her! Later this week I will be making a trip to the M.A.C. store near me to talk to then about makeup ideas and what could work best as a beard cover. I would also like to get to ULTA this week for some more Bare Essentials makeup.

I love to shop and have no problems walking into any store and picking out what I want. I also do a fair amount of shopping on line too. So I am bewildered why any gurl would shop at a "transgender boutique". I always found the prices to be out of line and the selection of clothing limited and geared either to a fantasy night out clubbing or more sexual/fetishistic in nature. Now this is fine if that what you want and what you are into. I will tell you this is not how women in the real world dress (at least most of them anyway). Two of my girlfriends had a boyfriends who crossdressed. When they dressed up both friends told me the same thing. The guys looked like street walkers. And not good ones either from the descriptions! I Believe what happens is that these gurls get locked into the sexuality of crossdressing driven by the images that the porn industry feeds them. Stories and photos of men dressed as sissy maids or forced into sexual acts by a dominant mistress and so on. That coupled with the pressure of being closeted and not feeling like one could ever be out in the real world all adds up to a gurl dressed like a hooker. For a lot of us crossdressing is a vehicle to express part of who we are. Crossdressing for gurls like me is not sexually driven it is a projection of who we are. Because we identify part of ourselves as female, we want to dress as women do.

I now consider myself to be transgendered. Not just a crossdresser or transvestite. I avoided using the term transgendered  because I felt it should apply to those who seek SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery) also known as a sex change operation. But now I see it really has many definitions and is applicable to my situation. I am a woman. A woman who loves her femininity. A woman who goes out. a woman who has a life in the real world with real friends. I am lucky and blessed. Thankful that I have found the strength to express who I really am. I have even changed the header on this blog to reflect my "transgendered status"

After New Years I will be spending more time as Candi. Working to fulfill my goal of maximizing my girl time and living as a woman the best way I can.

Thank you and Happy Holidays!
Candi



   

Photos coming...

Over the weekend I will be adding some of my photos to this blog. The pictures will help both illustrate my story and put a face on this blog. It has been less then two months and only 10 posts (well 11 with is one) and I am hooked. Sharing who I am and telling my tale has helped me grow. Helping me come to terms with my feminine self.

Thank you all who have read and hopefully enjoyed this blog. If you are on blogger, please follow me if not bookmark this page and check in from time to time.

Thank you,
Candi

Another Perspective.

After my last post, I had a brief chat (via instant message) with a former girlfriend about my goal of spending 30%-40% of my time as Candice. She has been reading this blog and noted in my last post I stated that I did not know what that percentage of my time would look like. Her take on that was that I only really had a limited amount of time were I was not required to be in a male role. Sad but true... Using her view of my situation, I only really had a few nights and Sundays that could be spent as feminine self. Sad but true again! I own a business and work a lot of Saturdays. During the week I am committed to a group run on Monday and some Saturday nights. So what is left on the plate is 4 nights and Sundays. Now I am out on average twice a week as Candice. Thrown in one more night out or a Sunday and I will have surpassed my goal by far!

So now I think I need to reassess what my goal really means, and focus on the quality of the time I get to spend as Candice. Quantifying my female side and desire to be more of a woman by assigning it a percentage value is misleading and unrealistic. I just want to be a woman and spend as much time as I can as such. Simple.

I will work on more nights out and spending every night that I am home as Candice. And not half way either... full dress and makeup every time. I am passionate about this and truly believe I may even be more female than male at times.

Thank you all
Candi

inbetween...

My goal is to live as much of my life as I can as a woman.... as Candice. The issue really boils down to how much of my male life can be offset by my desire to be female. How far can I develop as a woman and still maintain a male persona for professional and some social reasons?

I have in one way or another always lived a double life. Hiding my crossdressing from the world. Living with shame and guilt and fear of discovery. Now I have the strength and confidence to overcome all that. There has aways been a strong female part of who I am and now my feminine self is striving for equal billing and then some! Every time I walk out my door as Candice to meet friends and every time I "out" myself to a new person the woman inside gets stronger. I do not want to transition through surgery (I am rather fond of my penis), yet I am "transgendered". I desire to truly be the best woman I can. But that desire must be tempered within the limitations of my male reality.

How do I manage this change and accomplish my goal? I have never faced this kind of challenge before. The devil is in the details with the broad stroke this goal represents. Fist I will need to figure out what 30%-40% of my time looks like and how I can spend that time as a woman. How will this part time "transition" impact my long term future? How do I bring this into future relationships? At this level? Its one thing to have a girlfriend who knows, accepts and even supports some intermittent crossdressing escapades. Its a completely different thing to be with someone who splits their time between genders (don't know if Match.com has a category for that). One thing is very clear, the number of people who know me as Candice will need to be increased. 30%-40% of my time will include normal activities like food shopping and other errands out and about. And that means more contact with people. One last point to consider is, as I start to reach my goal will it be enough? Will I want to be more of a woman? If there is anything I have learned this past year as I have ventured out past my comfort zone is that there is a great chance I will want to live almost completely as a woman at some point. For now the goal I have set for myself is a great challenge alone.

It comes down to baby steps with the occasional giant leap. I will be sitting down with pen and paper mapping this journey out. By the New years I want to have a plan in place that is adaptable, reasonable and realistic. Something that works and identifies smaller goals along the way.

As a somewhat unrelated thought... today I caught a commercial on TV selling a herbal product that boosts testosterone in men over 40. As men age it is a fact that our testosterone levels drop. My hypothesis is that I have found (rather unscientifically) that a lot of gurls like myself start to come out in our 40s and older. I am wondering if the lower testosterone levels associated with age have a contributing factor to this? Is it possible that the offset in the hormone could somehow allow our feminine side to develop and yearn for expression? Sounds good in my head anyway.

This Thursday I will be out with my friend Leda for dinner. It will be her first time meeting me as Candice. She is very excited and supportive. Next Tuesday is girls night out with my friends Renee and Jennifer. Kelly may be able to join us as well. I will be talking to my girlfriends about my goal also and getting their input too.

Well I got to run, thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Love
Candi

Looking Around.

Saturday night I attended a open house Christmas party that I unfortunately had to attend in boy mode (ugh). It was a large party with a few hundred people. As the night progressed I found myself studying the women and how they were dressed. Now this is not unusual for me as I study women all the time. But this was different, I felt a wave of depression and envy pass through me. I wanted so bad to be dressed up to match how I feel on the inside. I wanted to wear my cute sweater dress with the tights and high heel boots! I wanted to be the one in the dark jeans, booties, pretty top and vest with fur trim! Not that I don't look good as a guy or don't know how to dress well. Not at all, I am very well dressed when I go out in boy mode. Its just that I feel that dressing like a man is uninspired, boring, and very uniform like.

Look around at any gathering in almost any situation. Guys; Khakis, jeans, shirts, polos... Women; Dresses, skirts, capris  slacks, jeans, flats, heels, wedges, and  blouses, tops and tunics of  every description. Plus mounds of accessories to pull the look together. So much more fun, so much more energy, so much more creativity. When I am out with my friends as Candice, They all say that I have so much more energy and am so much happier than when I am in boy mode. "I light up"

Now you could make the argument that I feel this way because I spent so much time and energy repressing and hiding my feminine side that its only natural to feel this enthusiastic. I disagree. I have been dealing with my crossderssing head on for a long time. And even though this past year I have just started truly going out beyond the safety of the gay bar /crossdresser gathering I have always known that part of me (a big part) is truly a woman. And as a woman I take pride in my femininity and how I look and dress.

What I took away from the party is that Candice is a strong force in my life and happily becoming even stronger. I love being a woman and really want to be the best woman I can! Its funny but I do think spending time as a woman has even made me a better man.

Love,
Candi

My Closet Door.

I use the walk-in closet in my bedroom for my feminine clothing, wigs and most of my shoes (this girl has a lot of shoes). I keep the door to the closet open all the time. The only time is is shut is when I have company over who does not know me as Candi or the every other Tuesday the housekeeper comes. That door stays open for a reason that is very much symbolic of the development and growth of my feminine self.

I lived in that closet, with the door shut. Sometimes shut so tight I thought I was going to suffocate! But no more. To paraphrase another crossdersser... Those are not "girl clothes" those are my clothes. I am out of that closet and I am not going back in. Yes I am very selective about who knows what. But that is more about professional/business issues more than social ones. With that door open I am free to come and go as Candi with out the burden of shame, fear or guilt over who I am.

I encourage everyone to open their closet door. I does not matter what is behind it, just open it and breathe. As they say... it does get better! Don't let that door block you from being all you can be.

With Love,
Candi