Late Night Dinner.

Last night I joined a few girlfriends for a late dinner. We had a wonderful time together. It was so nice to be out after a somewhat crappy day at work. Some good food and girl talk was just what the doctor ordered. The friendships I have with each of my girlfriends as Candice is so much deeper and richer than any friendship I have had as a guy. Not that I did not have good solid bonds with my friends as a male. It is that I feel the emotional bond is stronger and deeper between my female self and my girlfriends. Women freely talk about fears, hopes, dreams, feelings and everything in between. The freedom of expression that exists for me as a woman is a gift I never enjoyed as a male.  As a guy... well those topics are either not covered or glassed over, unless it involves a tragic or life altering event. Even then men just suck it up and keep it tucked away someplace. The ironic thing is that now that I can see both sides of the gender fence, I am still trapped by typical male behavior patterns.

You would think that because I love being Candice and see the benefits of freely expressing ones self and emotions, that I would modify my male behavior to reflect that emotional freedom. Nope. It does not work that way. For me there are two reasons why I can not apply the healthier openness of my female self to my male self.

1) As a male I still am working in the same restrictive emotional box that men have been working in forever. I is mostly a box built by environmental conditioning. By that I mean, typical male behavior that we see has been nurtured and reinforced through generations. Each successive generation saying this is how you should act, boys don't cry, suck it up, walk it off etc... Also there is a large genetic or instinctively driven differences that make up male behavior patterns. Boys and girls are truly different at the core. Ask any parent that has both  a boy and a girl child. The combination of cultural/societal nurturing and the genetic or instinctive factors make up the box I must operate in as a male. As such I am limited by the behavior expected  of me that comes from that box.

2) Now that I have truly divided my male and female selves, my male side has embraced all the learned/nurtured  male behavior. It could be seen as a survival mechanism. as a way to protect my male identity. Along those lines, I am still genetically male (ugh) so the primeval genetic forces still drive base emotional behavior as well. This also serves to protect the male self.

So the wall between my expressed genders is stronger than ever and I like it that way. I feel by recognizing an accepting this division has made it easier to and healthier to exist as both male and female.

Altogether. I am so much more alive and happier as Candice. Allowing myself to let Candice out and live how I want on my terms has saved my life. It may be hard to understand if you are not somehow transgendered, but it is true. I am so much more healthier and better balanced that I have ever been. I may not be female in body but I am in my heart.

Simply put, being a girl is cool and fun. and don't let anyone tell you different! Girls rock. my girlfriends rock,  and boys are gross! Damn I feel like having a pillow fight and doing someones hair!... Sorry estrogen rush just hit LOL :-) Have a great day everyone!

XXOO
Candi

Sunday.

Happy Sunday everyone! What a perfect day it has been. I went for a nice run this morning followed by a stroll through a farmers market. People watching and picking up some fresh produce along the way. Not to mention a darn good cup of coffee too. This afternoon my girlfriend Kelly came over to try on wigs and have lunch. It looks like trying on my wigs has truly become a regular weekend activity with the girls! Last Saturday Michell was over trying them on. One of these girls night outs I will show up and everyone of them will be wearing a wig! That would be very cool. We should all get the same one, now that would be funny.

Kelly and I had great time together. She looked amazing regardless of what style or color she tried! Gosh I hate her! Damn her perfect skin and flawless features! Who am I kidding, all my girlfriends look gorgeous. I guess I can't hate them all! Spending time with the girls makes me so happy. I could never go back to being a full time guy. I would never want to either. The more time I spend as Candice the more complete I feel as a person. I would be so much more happier if the doctor slapped me on the butt and said "its a girl"! Oh well, you work with what you got! Being able to be Candice just make me happy and I am truly grateful for that.

More of my girlfriends have joined me on Facebook in the last few days. I am so happy to have all their friendship, support and love. The interesting thing is that many of them have known crossdressers or transgendered gurls like myself. I would guess that this is true for about a third of the women I know. This kind of makes me wonder how common of an occurrence is it for women to have contact with gurls like me? Either in a relationship or as friends.

Tuesday is Valentines Day, so the girls and I are going to a nice place for happy hour. And since we are single or the men are out of town etc.. I am sure it will turn in to a very Oprah/Cosmopolitan magazine man bashing fest! I cant wait, its going to be fun! Nothing better than hanging out with the girls a few cocktails (still love that word) into it!  My sisters are funny gals. I love then all.

Good night and thanks for reading my little blog. It means a lot to this girl. I hope you all had a lovely Sunday!

XXOO
Candi

Out And About.

Wow two nights out in a row, I am in social butterfly heaven! The reason for tonights excursion was a belated birthday dinner for one of my dearest friends. It was also an opportunity for some of my friends to finally meet me as Candice. What a good time. All the ladies looked amazing. I have some classy girlfriends. I learn so much from them everyday. they are so sweet and fun to be with. I love how they offer advice and tips on everything from clothing and make up to hair styles and beyond. And I Listen to every word. There is so much to living as a woman that goes beyond just knowing how to walk in heels! Not that walking in heels is a snap. I myself have almost fallen off my shoes a few times! The food was great. I ordered a chicken dish that was very creamy, spicy, rich and delicious. Let me tell you, I will be paying for that choice all day tomorrow! Oh well, it was super yummy and worth every bite!

One of the girls there tonight, a long time friend who was meeting Candice for the first time gave me a congratulations on "coming out" card. How sweet is that! Another one of the girls husbands who I know, wanted her to give me his best wishes. That was truly a nice gesture. In fact all of my girlfriends husbands and significant others have been nothing but supportive and totally cool with my transition to Candice. I am truly blessed and I will never take my friends or their support for granted. There are so many gurls out there who are alone and have no one to turn to. Gurls who are so closeted and isolated that they may never find a way out into the light. My door is always open and anyone can contact me though this blog or my Facebook page for a word of encouragement or advice. I was alone for a long time and I am never going back into that closet again. Even though I do need to go back in the closet from time to time. But only to pick out clothing or a wig. I am not going to stay there! The cost is too high!

 Like last nights outing, I was asked by some of the girls they could come over to try on wigs and see my "amazing closet and shoe collection. I really should start charging admission! I love it! I do need to straighten (no pun intended) the closet again though. I have been going out so much that it has become a little disorganized. If I am not working  Saturday I will be spending the weekend as Candice! If not I will have Sunday and some of the girls are coming over that day for the whole wig thing. I offered to make lunch so I think that sealed the deal! I will also have my regular Tuesday night out to look forward to!

As you may know, next Tuesday is Valentines Day. So we single girls are going out to a nice upscale bar that has a great happy hour. It will be a man bashing, trashing, good food, cheap drinks, sisterly bonding session. Now that sounds like fun! And with my girlfriends it will be a riot. these girls are funny and smart. Throw in a few cocktails (love that word) and look out! Well its off to bed for this gal! Till next time, be safe, be good and be kind.

Love Candi

A Night Out With The Girls & New Hair...

I love Tuesdays! I have the most awesome girlfriends in the world! Out every Tuesday like clockwork. Now This could be taken two ways. 1, The girls really love spending time together or 2, we all just like to drink? Either way these girls rock!

Last night we went to a nice steak house for appetizers. It was the first time the girls and I had been to this establishment as a group and we had a great time. I love all the different topics and directions the conversation takes when I am out with my girlfriends. We talked about relationships, friendships, family, sex (gasp!), what is happing in our lives, clothing, shoes (oh yes shoes, almost as good as talking about sex), and the list goes on. All of these topics were covered in depth and with real feeling. At a table next to us was 4 guys having dinner and drinks. From what I could hear, their conversation covered the gamut from the awesomeness of a particular WWII German bomber to how good this one gunsmith is in Colorado. Actually that was it. The gamut was only these two topics. Having been to many a guys night out, they are all kind of like that. Sometime there is more sports talk or a discussion about how hot the 22 year old hostess/server is. Yup being a girl is much better.

New Hair... I picked up some new hair on Monday morning. I was near a wig shop and took some time yo pick out  a new wig. I know that a few girls will be miffed that I went without them (Jennifer & Michelle, I am sorry but I was right by the shop. It wont happen again). Now I am inspired to pick up another style in a lighter color. I guess I can add; "You can never have enough wigs" to the list of "you can never have enough shoes" or purses (well Michelle thinks she has to many purses... silly girl) or makeup etc...

I love it! It is lighter than what I usually wear, but I think its looks good and so did the girls last night. Because of my ever changing hair style, it looks like two more girlfriends want to come over to try on wigs this Sunday. Yea, I love it. Like I said in the last post, trying on my wigs has become a huge hit with the girls. It is nice to be able to almost completely change your look so easily.

Heels! I was finally out in heels again! OMG am I a happy girl! I like flats but they were starting to me down a bit. Well about 3 1/2-4 inches down that is! last nigh one of my girlfriends and I had almost the exact same heels on. We  both looked down at the same time and said... oooooh!  Followed by complementing each others good taste and smart fashion sense of course.

The best part is that I get to go out tomorrow night with more of my girlfriends! And you know I will be posting photos and blogging about that as well! It is so much fun to watch the hit counter on this page because even though there are blogs with tens of thousands or even over a million hits, the almost 1700 I have mean so much to me. and I adore the 6 "official" followers I have. Keep reading kids! I thank you all!

All my best,
Candi

Saturday in Candi-Land

I love it when I have a chance to stay home, relax and be Candice all day and night!. No splitting my day between having to be in guy drab for work only to spend the few precious hours left of the day as my true self. That is why I Cherish my nights out with the girls so much. To be out of the house and in the fresh air. The sound of my heels clicking down the side walk (well that is when my foot is not killing me), feeling feminine and free. It is a truly magical feeling.

I do love spending my time at home as Candice, but sometimes it brings me back to the time I spent at home while still closeted. As they say "all dressed up and no place to go" and how true it was. It is different now that I am basically out and open about who I am. I no longer rely on the occasional night out at a gay bar with the other gurls I know as a opportunity get out the door as Candice. I have real girlfriends and a real life as my feminine self. So naturally I take every chance I can to get out and spend time with my girlfriends and to grow as a woman.

Today my good friend Michelle, you know the one I call the Queen and High Priestess of Purses and Heels, came over to try on wigs and have lunch. What fun. Apparently trying on my wigs has become a very popular activity among my girlfriends. I don't mind, plus I get to spend quality time with them. Michelle and I had a great talk, some good food and a lot of laughs. As a bonus she gave me a stack of cute bags she wanted to pass on. Now don't tell my other girlfriends, they may get jealous! You know how catty us girls can get! 

I am very happy because I get to go out twice this week. Tuesday is our regular girls night out and Wednesday I get to go out with some other girlfriends who could not make it Tuesday night. Yup a bonus night out, I cant wait!

In other news, a group of my girlfriends have been having a regular monthly girls night out of their own for years. I always wanted to attend but I could not because I was just a guy then. Now that I am one of the girls I finally get to go! I have always wanted to be one of the girls, and now it is coming true.

Well it is time to slip into my soft yoga pants and a cute tee. I am going to watch a little television then go to bed early. Love you all.

Candi. 

"New" Friends

This post is for my close friends who have just met Candice or have just learned about her. If you have been reading my blog (and I hope you have because there will be a test later) most of this is not new to you. I just wanted to take this opportunity and give some insight as to how Candice fits into the world. I know having a friend like me is new and hopefully exciting. But many don't really know much about the transgendered world. I can only speak from my experience and I in no way can offer sound clinical/psychological information. All I can do is share my story.

Its funny how things change. More to the point, how people change. Not long ago I chose to explore a new direction for my life. I gave myself permission to make a leap of faith, to take a chance and face my fears head on. For years I fought to suppress and control a deep part of who I am. So much energy and time spent keeping my feminine side hidden away. I honestly can not fully regret the time I spent hiding and denying who I am on the inside. I was not ready to come forward. I was not ready to take the risk of losing friends, of scorn and ridicule. I started outing myself because I was finally ready to. Reaching a point in my life where I had the emotional strength and maturity (of course if you ask my friends, they may contest the maturity part) to allow Candice her freedom. I also have to thank the amazing, supportive and beautiful  friends in my life. I am blown away by how loving and wonderful everyone has been. When I talk about this I have been told each time that I have always been a good friend and that they love me no matter who I am! Wow I may need to move the laptop in to a bigger room so I have space for my ego! I do have to say that karma works... Pay it forward kids, you get it back many times over.

Who knows and why... I have been selective on who I out myself to for a number of reasons. The biggest is professional. I own my own business but I work in a very narrow mined macho field where Candice would not be accepted. Or any alternative lifestyle for that matter (yup, I guess I am alternative alright!). Also I have a business partner who I would prefer not to be introduced to Candice. I never have mixed my personal  and business lives anyway as a matter of choice. The Second reason for being selective is that I do not want my family involved. Its not that they would not be supportive its just that I have never been able to share anything about myself with them. It may be that I have spent so much time keeping this from anyone that I just cant get around the walls I have built up when it comes to my family, and I truly don't want to.

So now the circle is about 25-30 people from my male life. mostly women, but as a guy almost all of my friends are women. So statistically the male/female ratio is same for Candice. I appreciate and love everyone of you. Without you Candice would not come as far as she has, thank you!

I love being Candice and love expressing this side of my life. I truly spend more time as Candice than I do as a man. I want to be the best woman I can be, living the majority of my time as female.. As a woman I am happier, healthier, better balanced and free from the constraints that govern the male world. Candice has always been the stronger person. I just kept her suppressed and closeted (yes in the closet, ha ha) at great expense to my psychical and mental health. I know this may sound strange, especially for those who know me only as a guy. Living with two genders, two identities was a struggle to say the least.

Where I am now... First while I now express myself more as Candice, my male side is still a critical part of who I am well beyond the professional and family lives. So you now have two friends. And there is no gray area. It is funny the wall between the genders is solid. when I am a guy, I am a guy. Manly (yes, stop laughing), gun packing, guys guy. When I am Candice, and that is most of the time, I am one of the girls, and I love it. So the guy you know and love is still here and not going anyplace. Its just that Candice is on top now (giggle).  She is out and she loves the fresh air!

Again, I want to thank all my friends for standing by me! I love you all.
Candi.

If Its Tuesday,It Must Be Girls Night Out!

Another wonderful night out with the girls! I can never get enough of it! Two new girls joined us tonight. The girl to my right I have known for over three years. And the girl to my left I have known for about 12 years! How cool is that! As a side note, today I outed myself and was outed with express permission to 5 more female friends. It is so wonderful not to have to expend energy keeping a secret and denying who I am!

Tonight we talked about everything from rock climbing (really) to makeup (of course) to bra fittings (sounds fun to me) to the topics covered in Cosmopolitan Magazine (men are pigs & how to have a orgasm every time etc...). Toss in a little gossip, and I ask you... what could be better than that! Well being able to rock some heels would have been fun. Sad to say my foot is still not healed enough to sport the heels I wanted to wear, but it is getting better. Tomorrow night Kelly is coming over to have dinner and try on wigs. I will try and surprise her by wearing some cute pumps. Of course she reads this blog so I guess it wont be that much of a real surprise! God I truly love being a girl and being a girlfriend and sister to girls I love and care about. I truly hate being a guy... No, let me rephrase that... I hate having to spend any time as a guy at all! I just feel like it is a step backwards when I am in guy drab. Girl fab rocks!

Well I started the night out as a darker brunette. I just wanted to do something different. The girls loved it but I am not sold on the hair color. So when I got home I did my usual, and took a few photos with the darker hair. This one below was in the car on the way home from dinner. I like the way I looked in this photo with the hair kind of tossed.

After a few shots with the dark hair and looking over the photos I still was not completely sold on the look. I like it to a point but I think I need to tweak my makeup and  darken up my eyebrows to make it work better.

So just to play around I decided to try on my long blond wig and see how it looked with my outfit. I am becoming such a girl and I love it!

I love this wig! I just never seem to bring it out that often. I am going to wear it tomorrow when Kelly comes over. I have a feeling there will be lots of photos taken and posted! Kelly loves this blog. I think I will ask her to help me draft a nice post to go along with the photos that will be taken. Because she reads this blog, I guess I just did ask her! Well I blew the surprise about wearing some heels tomorrow for when she comes over and now this. Dang it!

Along the lines of posting photos; I would like to say I am sorry I did not get to take any photos on Sunday. I was planning on trying out a couple of looks and posting photos from the day. My plans were a little sidetracked because a good friend called me needing some advice and a good ear. So I helped a friend and spent the day in yoga pants and a tank top. Well it was a lazy Sunday after all...

well this girl need to head off to bed. I wish everyone sweet and girly dreams! You are all my sisters!

XXOO,
Candi