Sunday, March 15, 2015

Those Are (Sort Of) The Rules, Smile For The Camera And Delete or Not to Delete?

 Rules; In a earlier post I talked about the need to get my place organized. I would like to say the organizing project is starting to take shape... slowly. I have become very strict with rules surrounding my time management and other habits I truly needed to address. No simple task since I suffer from OLSS, Oh Look Something Shiny... My penchant for being distracted is only out done by my super human ability to procrastinate. Rather then allowing myself to become overwhelmed but size of the task, I have allocated 2 hours per day for the project. This seems to be working and even though it does not feel like I am getting a lot done in two hours, those hours add up to a lot of productivity. 

 I have come up with a short but effective list of rules that will help me change some very detrimental habits. It is all very simple stuff. Going to bed at a decent hour, drinking more water ( I am chronically dehydrated), exercising and establishing other routines to reinforce much needed positive changes. I purposely made the rules as simple and practical as I could so they could be followed with success. One would think that having to create rules like this would be unnecessary. Getting proper rest, eating right, getting some exercise in cleaning up after yourself... all this should go with out saying. The reality is that not only does it need to be said, it needs to be written down. What we know intellectually more times then not, never gets practical application in our daily lives. 

 Smile; This will not be news to my Facebook friends, but I discovered that there are at least two Pintrest (freaking love Pintrest) boards where I am the sole subject. I do know that my photos have been posted to other peoples boards with transgender or say makeup themes for quite a while now. Even a dating sight for people over 40 had created a Pintrest profile and tried to use my photos (they were just randomly taking photos off Pintrest and using them). It took some effort to have those photos removed but eventually it happend. Overall just discovering people took the time to make boards about you is very cool. 

 I also noted that my Flickr profile has grown 1.5 million page views. That is a staggering number to me and most of that attention started after I started coming out and getting better with my look and finding my own style as a woman. It does sound shallow (and don't get me started on my Instagram page), but as I got "better looking" I got noticed more. That is how the internet works; The more people notice something , the more that something shows up in searches and feeds and thus more people see it. Next thing you know you have gone "viral" like a lab culture at a STD clinic. 

 I want this attention, and I tell you why; It is validation, showing the world who I am. It is vindication, proving to myself that I am not forever trapped in that male husk. It is the thrill of leading a double life. Like a spy or superhero. I still exist in the male world to run my business and pay the bills. So people who know me as male have walked right past me with out a second look. Even my own brother walked right past me once.

 In the past friends joked about the number of photos I was posting when I first came out. I was eager to document every outing, every outfit, every moment. As a transwoman I can tell you almost every one of us craves the camera. Like a person who can' stop looking at a mirror, we need to see the woman that lives inside us. Photographs prove she exists, and with more validity then a grainy photo of Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. 

 Think of it like a new parent who photographs the shit out of every moment of the newborn's life (yes you M.S.S.). Exciting, new, proud... This is what it is like for a girl like me. My coming out was the symbolic of being reborn. It sounds dramatic, but it is not. A lot of my "straight" friends will never know how it feels to have a whole identity hidden away inside of you. That identity fighting to get out, fighting to express it's self. So when those moments comes and the girl inside is let out, you grab that camera, and like the parents of the newborn, you photograph the shit out of her.

 As a side note, part of me wants to delete most of my past posts. I am going to end up rehashing some of the material I covered two years ago. This is because my perspective on a number of issues I wrote about has changed based on the experiences I have had as a transwoman over these past years. One part says keeping the older posts will give this blog a historical perspective and add understanding to where I am coming from. The other side says, I am not the same woman I was then. Keeping those postings will serve nothing and much like organizing my place, I need a fresh start. So if anyone has any thoughts on the matter, please let me know.

Thanks for reading!


1 comment:

  1. awesome post! i for one liked reading your perspective and i have to say that you look beautiful anyway but when you smile you just light up!