Saturday, September 1, 2012
To "V" Or Not To "V" That Is The Question...
Hello my friends... In the last two weeks I have been a very busy girl. Last week I was out three nights in a row. This week I had two items on my calendar. Tuesday was our regular girls night out and Thursday was a little dinner with a couple of girlfriends I do not get to see that much of. I know I like to brag a little about my near constant outings (I am a social whore after all) but this time its a little different. There has been a underlying theme cropping up during some of my adventures and I wanted to share it with you all.
The theme really boils a question that has started to come up with greater frequency now that being Candice is a real and regular part of my life and that of my friends (and my sister's too)... That question is; Do I plan on transitioning? Having the "operation"? or some variations of these. Well the answer is still I do not know. Only because I do not know if it would be the right thing from a psychological/clinical level. I have always wanted to be a woman from my earliest memories as a child through to today. If it was as simple as taking a pill or pushing a button I would not hesitate. But the process is complicated, risky, heartbreaking, irreversible and takes the kind of resolve I may not have. This is why people who choose to transition are vetted by medical professionals over years not months. There is always the looming possibility of having "buyers remorse" because as you know..."All the kings men and all the kings horses could not put Humpty's junk back together again" I have found a few recommended therapists in my area. I will set up appointments over the next few months to explore what my options could be. I may just end up living two lives like in my current situation. Not what I would hope for but something I can live with.
Another aspect on the subject of transitioning I find interesting is the varied and strong reactions I receive from some my girlfriends when it comes to the issue of surgical transition. Its not about choosing to live as a woman. I can say with much confidence that almost all of my friends would support that choice. Now the percentage of friends who have objections or strong concerns about taking this big of a step is very small. Of that percentage, most are worried about the "buyers remorse" I noted above. Some are adverse to the medical risks and I think a even smaller number just not comfortable with the idea of reconstructing ones genitals. All valid concerns given the permanence of the procedure. As for my relationship with my boy bits, twig and berries, the old wedding vegetables, the frank and beans, bat and balls, etc... I really am neutral. They serve their purpose and have done a good job over the years. but for the most part they are just in the way and if not put away right can ruin the line of a nice skirt or dress! So like I have noted in the past, my situation, when it comes to my evolving womanhood has now gone beyond my ability to process what my goals really are and how to make the informed choices to reach those goals. I am very respectful and aware of the risks, demands and gravity related to more permanent changes in my life as Candice. I will keep my friends and readers informed at to how this part of my life progresses because I do believe that sharing my story can help others with their own journey... I guess you could think of surgical transitioning as being the ultimate form of recycling or rather re-purposing. It sounds like a very green thing to do... or should I say a very "pink" thing to do!
I love walking out my door as Candice. Every foray out into the word as my feminine self is a true gift. Its a gift I must truly thank all my amazing and brilliant friends for helping make it possible that I can be true to myself. All to often girls like me are hemmed in by the fear of rejection, ridicule, or worse. I know I had those same fears over the years. Because of the unwavering support, love and friendship you all have given me I can walk out that door with pride and a smile on my face. I can openly discuss the prospect of truly changing my gender. I can tell the world this is who I am. When people read this blog I am thanked and praised for the honesty and bravery I show in sharing my story. I do not consider it brave to tell like it is. I think of it as giving something back. Educating the "non-transgendered" (civilian) and showing trans-girls there is a way to be who you want to be.
There are other changes afoot in my life that are in some aspects related to my life as a woman. I have decided to work on a exit plan to retire from my current business and venture into another field. over the next several years. Of course the hard part is deciding on what path to take and how Candice should fit into that choice. I have been doing my current gig for 19 years and it is time for a change. I feel the business has reached it limits for the market it is in and really has be flat for a very long time. It does provide a great income but with most cases of burnout, I am becoming more and more indifferent and apathetic with each passing day. The prospect of being able to make positive changes and starting with a "clean slate" and looking at the word with a fresh set of eyes is liberating and invigorating.
There are very few male friends I want to spend any time with at all anymore. As Candice continues to take shape, I find that I am more and more dissuaded to bond with other men. More to the point I am finding myself disgusted by male behavior in general. When ever I see a group of men, all I can think is "what a bunch of D-Bags". I am no way saying this is the way other women feel about men or should. I think that I just truly prefer the disposition, attitude, and grace of women to the aspects that define male behavior. The women in my life make me a better person, they help make me a better woman. Men, not so much.
Next week a girlfriend is getting married to a great guy (one of the ones I consider a friend not a D-Bag). I even got to meet her and help her pick out her wedding gown! How cool is that! She is getting married in the early morning one day next week so I am going to miss the ceremony but I will be there for the party later that day! Its amazing opportunities like the chance to help out a girlfriend pick out her gown that make me thankful for being Candice. I now have a very open attitude when it comes to meeting new women friends. In the past I would hold back and see what kind of person they may be before I tell them about Candice. Now I just put out on the table. I am not going to ram Candice down anyone's throat. but if that person wants to know more or even explore a friendship with my feminine side the door is open. the photo below is a of a great and wonderful new girlfriend who I truly adore.
Girls rock! I will be going out a couple of times next week and will be continuing to work on my future plans. Candice is who I am at my core. And I need to work on my "core" LOL OK that was a little fitness pun...
I guess I will wrap up with a few more photos and a butt shot or two...
I love this top!
This is the lucky gal who is getting married! You should see her in the gown she picked out! Stunning.
Boys are gross! Look how stunning my girlfriends are!
Yup... Butt shots. :-)
Well kids, that's all till next time! Be happy, be good to each other and be safe!