Sunday, September 30, 2012

First Things First...


Hello my friends. It is Sunday (for me, I do not know what day you will be reading this) and the only plan I have is to stay home and do as little as possible. Well beyond working on this post and drinking coffee (mmm, coffee) that is. In the last few weeks since my last posting I have taken a extensive amount of time to do some real soul searching about my life as both a woman and a man. Where I want to go and how to get there. Not a day has gone by since I was a child that I have not thought about the woman inside of me and how much she has wanted her freedom. But for the first time, even since coming out I have finally taken the time to be alone and with my thoughts and ask myself some really hard questions. I know it sounds odd to read that, given that this entire blog has been about my journey into a world where Candice can live her life openly. You would think that I have been doing just that all along.


The fact of the matter is that I as a woman have changed since coming out. When this blog stared I was fairly adamant about "Not feeling like I could fully transition" as in have SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). I never fully closed the door on the possibility but at the time I allowed my male self to put up defenses and protect its self.  I have taken this time to break down those same defense mechanisms. These "road blocks" had to be removed to allow myself the clarity of thought needed to truly address the duality of my life as it now stands.

What I have discovered during this time is;

1) I am putting too much on my plate at one time (no not a diet problem, that's another issue). by this I mean that I am worried about too much, career choices, gender issues, where I want to live, dealing with family etc... What is needed is to "simply" focus on what Candice needs and wants out of her/my life as a woman. Then adapting the rest of my life to reach my goals as a woman. Simply taking one step at a time rather then having  the transgendered equivalent of ADHD or as I like to call it OLSS (Oh Look, Something Shiny).

2) I have come to accept that with a professionals guidance I am finally allowing myself to fully embrace the option of transitioning and living my life as the woman I have always wanted to be. What that life will look like depends on the thoughts and goals from the first step above.

3) Life is not set in stone. As I continue on my journey I must accept and be open to changes in both my attitude and the reality of the situation I live in. Life is fluid and adaptability is the key to survivability and success.

4) Now the boy is on the inside. As my male self continuously becomes a smaller part of my day to day life I now honestly feel like a woman with a man inside of her (kind of sounds naughty). I love this change in my life the most. I have never felt more alive, free and challenged.

I know these bullet points may seem like very broad generalizations on my part and I did leave out how much I wanted to have my own breasts. But there is a tremendous amount of depth and self realization behind each of these four points, more than I could cover in this blog (God breasts would be nice).


So life in the girl lane is moving along well. Over the years I have hit a few speed bump and made a few wrong turns but now I know I am on the right road and headed in the right direction.




Life as Candice is a gift. presenting yourself to the world as a woman is hard work (having my own breasts would make it easier) even for genetic women. I could never go back to being a guy like I was. I may not have all the right parts but I have the right soul.

In the time since the last post I have had some wonderful outings with my girlfriends. I sometimes get contacted by other girls like myself  about my outings and "how do I do it" or how do I have so many friends. Most are young and very closeted and only out themselves online through venues like Facebook. 
My advice to these girls is to look at yourself and try to be true to who you are on the inside. If being a crossdresser is a sexually driven act then be honest and about it because thigh high boots and a tube top are not going to fly in a nice bistro or a night at the theater. Unless you like the look that screams submissive tranny hooker. If you want to express a truly female side then look at women in your age group and how they dress and act. Work with that. Be a student of women, style and fashion. remember women dress for other women. not for men (if women dressed for men all they would need is hot jeans and a tight tee shirt). 
As for friends... If you do not think your friends would support you expressing your inner woman or just being true to yourself in any fashion then you need new friends . DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE UNDER THE THREAT OR FEAR OF OTHER PEOPLES JUDGMENTS OR PREJUDICES. That is not living. 


Most importantly, be amazing, be kind, have a open mind, respect others. Be the friend you would want have. Be honest with yourself at all times, try and speak in complete sentences and think critically about the word around you. These are all tools that on the whole can not guarantee happiness, but they will help you find it.

OK, time for butt shots because I need to get some lunch and I think I was getting a little soapbox-y on this post. I think the next one will be about shoes, bags and clothes. I got to lighten this up from time to time! LOL.



    


Have a great day everyone, what ever day it is for you! 

XXOO
Candi.

4 comments:

  1. What a wonderful post Candice. I admire your courage to stand up against all the negativity and be yourself. I love you for that. Perhaps we can have happy hour with a friend who has no girlfriends and needs to feel a sense of friendship with other girls.

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  2. There is more to being a woman than shopping for clothes and girls night out, and it sounds like its as stressful to you as anyone else, but with the option to earn like a man, and spend as a woman. You don't even know how you would have been limited in options from the start if you had been born a women.

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  3. Elizabeth, I completely agree with you. I will never fully understand or appreciate the challenges that a woman faces in her life. All I can do deal with what I am going through from the perspective of my own experience. Everything in this blog and what I have been going through is all new to me at this level. As I continue to sort everything out and work through the challenge this journey presents, I can only hope that this blog will help others face thier challenges.

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