Bunnies.

 Growing up I would dream that I would wake up as a real girl. I had this dream thousands of times with hundreds of variations of the how and why I became the girl I should have been. I still have this dream to this day, although with some rarity now that I express my true self with complete freedom.

 Being a child of the sixties and seventies, one of the largest icons I wanted emulate was a Playboy Bunny. Lord I wanted to be a Bunny so bad. The costumes, with the girls breasts swelling out of the top and the deep curves of the tapered waistlines, The high heel pumps and sexy ears and tails, I wanted to be one of them with all my heart. Even in my transformation dreams, one of the recurring themes was that I became a Bunny walking around in my costume. Now as a adult (questionable by some standards) I do understand how those women were treated and objectified by the heavily masochistic culture of the day. Yet even now, armed with this knowledge, part of me still wants to be that sexy girl in the naughty costume. flaunting my sexuality for those around me.

 There was also another influence on me back then. Months ago on my Facebook page I also wrote about as a child, discovering cartoon drawings by artists such as Bill Ward and Jack Cole among others of that period. Below are examples of the drawings. Mr Ward's are on the right and Mr Cole's on the left. These exaggerated depictions of the female form also fueled my desire to be the girl knew I was on the inside.

 The power images like the drawings above and the photos of women in bunny costumes and others had (and still in a way do) over me was like a drug. A escape from the fact that I was not a girl and at that time, had no no hope of ever becoming. The depression and hopelessness was staggering. I came close to no surviving the struggle a few times. I am no longer that isolated child, thinking that they are the only one in the world with these "feelings". With nowhere to turn, afraid to tell anyone at all, I survived but only by a thread.

 As a child with less understanding of "what" I was in terms of being transgendered, it was daunting. But I did survive because I have spent a lifetime compartmentalizing almost every aspect of who I am as a person. Putting every thing that made me up into boxes and thus mitigating internal conflict. There was a box for the girl, A box for the Boy. A box for school. A box for friends, A box for family and as I got older a box for work, Anyone who knows me, only knows me through the one or two boxes they can see into. Putting up these internal walls served a purpose and kept me alive through some very tough times. But the cost of maintaining those walls is steep. Almost no one will ever know me fully. I will never really allow myself complete freedom to fully be who I am in many ways. Breaking down those walls has proven to be a impossible task.

 So if I can not take down the walls and eliminate boxes, I can work around them through this blog.
I have said this in some of my older posts; Blogging is a way of exercising ones daemons. A way of stepping out of yourself and looking back to see what the world sees of you. No matter what you are going through, a journal or blog will help with perspective.

I wish I could really explain what it is like to be something, someone completely different on the inside then you are on the outside. The best way to describe what it is like being transgendered for me is to think of it like being in a room one other person. It is just the two of you. The other person is just out of sight. You know them and you want to walk over to them but as you try and close the gap the other person keeps moving away. Always just out of reach but always calling out to you. It is a game of cat and mouse between who you are and who you are in your heart.

Thank you all for being here with me.

Candi.

Running and My Addiction to M.A.C. (Two Separate Topics).

 So this morning I went for a run at 5:30. I started out fine but I suddenly remembered something. I remembered that I have not ran at all in almost a year. A series of crippling gout attacks last year made even going up and down stairs a major effort. Worse yet, wearing heels was impossible! The pain was really the lasting effects the attacks had my ankle joints. So there I was this morning in the dark and cold (cold for Arizona anyway) plodding along. Tracking every stride on my chosen running app. And it was good. Probably more walking then I care to admit, but a nice start back. The route was a two mile loop I used to run through the neighborhood at a pace that could be recorded using a sundial (had the sun been up).

 I am a M.A.C. girl, a total "MAC-anista". Yes I just made that up, but feel free to use it. The main reason I use M.A.C. products is coverage. Because I am transitioning from a yucky boy into a very cool girl my makeup needs are very different from the average woman. I use the Prolong Wear line of liquid foundations and concealers along with M.A.C.'s Studio Fix line of pressed powders in matching shades. In the winter I use a slightly darker shade then I do during the warmer months.  I also use their Blot Powder for shading when contouring and I have just discovered a finishing powder that is part of the Studio Careblend line, I am a big fan. I use o lot of M.A.C. blushes and bronzers also. The biggest thing is to ask a professional to help you pick out products that work best for you. Not just matching colors, but addressing any skin issues (oily, dry, etc...). Doing it yourself could result in waisted  time and money. And M.A.C. is very trans friendly and is equally good about providing samples (some products can't be sampled because of packaging) They have a fantastic return policy too. The store I go to is amazing and I have become good friends with several of the staff. I need to give a gig shout out to my girlfriend Megan at the store who has been a great help and a dig supporter of my transition from the first time I walked through the door.

The Store locations also hold technique classes and provide lessons and makeovers.It is always worth the investment on quality products and brushes. My motto is "A $40 foundation is worth 10 $8 foundations. As for the brushes,  good technique is reallyas important if more so then the makeup being used. and poor quality brushes will not help matters.

My basic makeup rules come down to these...

1) Moisturize, moisturize,moisturize, helps prevent your makeup from caking up. Don't forget to use a good primer before applying your foundation

2) Powder is never a foundation, use liquid.

3) Concealer one shade lighter under your eyes.

4) Use a setting spray at different points when apply your makeup. I generally do this between liquid and power and even between powder and blush/bronze/contour and when I am finished with my face.
I even keep a small one in my bag ro freshen up my makeup if it starts to cake.

5) The eyes... You can never have too many eye shadows on hand. Learn how to do your brows as well. For the the eyes I also like to use Too Faced eye shadow collections and they have a wonderful brow product called Bulletproof Brows. The eyes make the look. take your time and practice because that winged eyeliner is not going to fly on it's own.

 Well that is it for this post kids, Hope you liked it. XXOO.

Candi.

Too Much Stuff...

 Hording... I am two boxes a stack of news papers and one cat away from being on a reality show. Okay its not really that bad but it is close and it is mostly due to my inability to thin out my wardrobe and shoe collection... Actually F-that I am keeping the shoes. I remember the good old days as closeted trans when out of denial and panic I would purge almost my entire wardrobe. Actually that only happened twice and I was in my early twenties and once was because I had enlisted in the military and had to. So now I am facing the daunting task of going through my clothes and taking back my place and gaining some space and sanity.

 This project would take me the better part of a week under ideal laboratory conditions. Given my noted ability to be distracted and super human power power of procrastination, it will take a month. Well at least I am honest.

 The biggest thing I have noticed is that at some point the clothing in my closet(s) stopped being 'girls' clothing and became simply my clothes.  I am a girl after all. Mindset is a funny thing. I still have a penis and genetically I am male but I am not a man. I still function in a male role at work to pay the bills and keep up my supply of M.A.C. makeup but that is as far as it goes. The clothing at first was a symbolic of the woman I spent a lifetime hiding from the world. I purchased clothing without rhyme or reason and with little sense of my own style. Looking back I squandered a lot of money and time on stuff that was simply not me.

 Jumping ahead to the present day, I have found my style. Sure it is still evolving and changing with current trends, but at it's core I have figure out what works for me. Now it is time to let go of the past. Skirts that say "the world is my gynecologist',  tops the scream 'what were you thinking' and dresses that make me look like a lumpy sausage. I may even get rid of some shoes... Nope that is crazy talk, keeping the shoes.

 So why is this so hard? I have clothes that I have not even looked at in years. I do not even remember when or where I got most of them. Logically I know they have to go. Yet my emotional attachment is binding my hands. As I noted at the start of this post, the clothing is a representation of what I have gone through to get where I am now. Having said that I must (as difficult as it will be) let go of these things. My past is just that, the past. I will never forget where I came from because it is the place that guides me to my future. It has been the the struggles and triumphs not the cute sweater set I picked up 12 years ago that makes we the woman I am today. Okay the sweater set helped a little, I looked really good in it. ;-)

 
 The power clothing has is amazing, Not just this emotional attachment I have been talking about, but much more. Clothes send a message about who you are. That is why finding your style is so wonderful. And now it is time for me to let go of the material past and make room for what works.

 Until next time,

Candi.

Welcome Back.

 Hello, it is probably best that I reintroduce myself. My name is Candice Dresser. I am a 51 year olfd male to female transgendered woman. I have been out of the closet since late 2009 - early 2010 when I started outing  myself to select friends. I also started this blog back then but actually deleted my first posts and started over in 2011. This was in a effort to help other girls and tell my story better then what I has published before. Almost immediately the number of people who knew about Candice increased exponentially. Now between my boy and girl Facebook profiles there are almost 300 mutual friends and another 40 or 50 who only know me as Candice locally. Blogging was a wonderful outlet and was very therapeutic. But like most endeavors, keeping up the pace of posting on a regular basis became taxing (61 posts between 2011 and 2013) and I allowed this blog to sit idle for too long.

 So my last post was back in 2013. Almost exactly two years. I guess it has been a while. I tried a number of time to come back to writing, to this blog. I just could not find my voice again. I was forcing myself. Thinking if I "changed direction" or focused in a single point like fashion or makeup for transgenders, that my creative energy would return. Of course it did not. So here I am today, more comfortable in my transgendered skin, heck I look a lot better too. Beyond that I my situation has not changed. I still balance between the genders. Working as a man and living most of my life outside of my work as a woman. As for my psychical transition, that too has stalled. While living with this balancing act is far from ideal, I have become very adapt at it. For me being happy is a construct that is at best elusive. That being said, I am not depressed or even sad. I am good and have a good life. I have a wonderful group of friends who support me and have accepted me ass a woman or at the very least accepted this part of me. I will never take that for granted.

 Back to the topic at hand; This blog. I started this post at 2:20 am after binge watching the complete first season (all 10 episodes) of Bosh on Amazon Prime. When I should have turned out the lights and gone to bed I opened this blog back up and here I am, with you. And it feels good.

 This is much the way my blog started originally. Kind of a rambling expression of what I was going through as I exposed my female side to the world outside my closet door. I am also motivated by my new Chromebook laptop. I can be a bit of a geek, and I love this machine. It is clean, simple and direct to the point. A very Scandinavian like approach to a OS. My old laptop had just turned 11 years old and has begone to accept Satan as it's Lord. it has become possessed and stared to some very odd things. According to Moore's Law my old machine was about 6 generations behind so I am not surprised that it has Alzheimer's.

 I consider the first 61 posts to represent the honeymoon phase of my coming out. I was all wild eyed and full of myself. Now I am a little less wild eyed but still pretty full of myself, it is just temped with more humility and understanding about who I am and the reality of the world I have created.

 Allowing this blog to be what it was in the beginning; That rambling free form expression of who I am and what I am going through. Trying to focus on a singe topic will strangle my motivation and this blog will fail.

 My need to make changes to my life has hit a tipping point. Oh this is where the free form/rambling part of the blog starts. Getting older I have come to grips with some health issues that my fading youth no longer allows me to ignore. So I have started small but draconian changes in my lifestyle. I track my food and workouts with apps on my phone and tablets. Slowly changing my diet and behaviors. Baby steps to a ultimate goal of real health and fitness. High blood pressure, kidney stones, gout (yes leave it to me to get a disease from the 14th century) all have had a near crippling effect on my ability and willing to be healthy. I am just putting this out here as a measure of accountability. as I post more I will include little updates about and progress or setbacks I have along this path. I have set a few small goals in regard to athletic events I want to complete in coming year and that will help me stay on point. But if I must be honest, I just want to look really hot in my yoga pants... Yoga pants, for when you are too lazy for real pants. ;-)

There are a number of other changes i need to make for other reasons that i will cover in the future. for now my health is what matters. Without it nothing else can matter.

 I will also cover the normal stuff. My obsession with makeup and being a clothes whore (shoes too). But are they really problems? My complete disgust with the Amazon show Transparent (I f-ing hate it). How I see LGBT issues. Just a warning you may be surprised at some of my positions on the subject. I will however be explaining those opinions and I am always ready to listen others opinions. I am also willing to change my position on any subject given a compelling and logical argument. Yup I am one of those critical thinking trannies.

I will cover the offers I have received to do tranny porn. How I see the trans community. Men who are obsessed with girls like me .My experiences out and about living as a trans woman and a whole lot of other stuff. Well I hope you all enjoyed this reintroduction to my blog and I hope you all stay with me as I tell my story.

Thank you.

Candice