Saturday, March 10, 2012

Hitting The Big 3-0 And More Than You Wanted To Know...

Thursday night  was my 30th night out as Candice since starting this blog back on November 5th. That is a lot of time spent out in the real world as Candice in just over the last 4 months. I love every second I get to spend as a woman. I am finally being true to who I am on the inside., being honest with myself and the world. I have never believed That ones genitals should be a indicator of ones gender. So here I am a 48 year old male who has never truly been a man. I have wanted to be a girl from the age of 6 or 7. That is when I discovered a closet full of my aunts clothing in the bedroom I used on weekends at my grandparents home. I was drawn to the clothing. It was the '60s and even at that young age I was infatuated with women. I loved how they dressed, fascinated by the clothing, the shoes, the makeup, all of it. I wanted to know what it was like to be a girl, to feel what it is like to wear a dress. So the universe provided me with a closet full of everything I needed to find out. Thank you Universe!

I knew trying on the clothing late at night alone in that room was something to keep secret. That dressing up would not be accepted. It would be "queer" and something a "fag" or a "sissy" would do. I don't think the term "gay" was commonly used then. All I knew was that queers and fags were scorned and hated. and sissies were beat up! I did not understand the sexual aspect of being gay then, but I was afraid of being chastised for acting like a sissy. Sissies wore dresses and sissies were queer. Yup, a lot of tolerance back then. I also thought I was alone. I must be the only one with these desires. I must be the only boy who wants to be a girl! For almost two years I had "my closet" every weekend at my grandparents. Dressing up and walking around the room in heels. I loved the way the hem of a dress brushed against my legs. The way it all made me feel. There were even some bras I stuffed with socks so I had boobs. Then one day I went to my room and the closet was empty... I asked my grandmother what happened to all the "stuff" in my room. My aunt and uncle moved into a bigger home and she came and got her things. I was devastated. So depressed that my grandmother thought I was sick with a flu or something. I was so sad.

I am not sure how long I went with out being able to dress up but one day I discovered a lady on my street had put out a box of her clothing for donation. SCORE! It was early in the morning and I spotted the box. I found a few dresses and took them. I hid them in a bush that was outside my bedroom window. That night I opened the window brought in my dresses. Late at night in my bedroom in the dark with the door locked and everyone asleep I slipped on one of the dresses. It was like magic. I was so happy! I think I dressed up almost every night for who knows how long. I did not get much sleep but I was in heaven. I stashed the dresses up in the box spring mattress of my bed. I had removed the staples from part of the thin cloth liner on the bottom then put them back each time. If you are a parent this may be a good spot to look for contraband.

Soon Puberty hit and dressing became a very sexually charged activity. As any guy will tell you, during puberty everything becomes sexually charged. I would dress, become aroused, take care of it (wink, wink) then a wave of guilt would crash down on me. of course it only lasted until the urge to dress up hit again and the process would start over! I still thought I was alone in the world, and this cycle of dressing and masturbation only made me think I was sick or worse. About this time a transsexual woman was interviewed on the Merv Griffin show. I had spotted the show by chance. At the time I had my own television and was glued to the set that night. I learned I was not alone. I learned words like transvestite, transsexual, crossdresser even homosexual! There were others like me! The woman had published a autobiography. That weekend I took the bus to the mall and bought it!

Unfortunately the saying "a little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing" is so true. I think I read the entire autobiography in the first night. I was fascinated and confused... I was still to young to understand everything in the book. I started to think I was "queer" and that I was destined to have a sex change... I thought the book was a look into my future. I was scared to death.
I needed more information. So in a world about 30 or so "pre-Google" years ago,  I rode my bike to the public library I spent a lot of Saturday afternoons checking every medical, psychological, and reference book I could find that had anything in it on transvestism, transsexualism and homosexuality. Well there was not much. I soon discovered the all the texts had basically the same definition  for each subject. No personal accounts no cited case histories. Nothing that would help me understand why I am the way I am.

As a crossdresser I think I was kind of unusual because, other than the dresses I liberated form the donation box I have always bought my own things. I would take my allowance and any money from odd jobs and Just by what I could. It was for my "sister" or a "costume" party (that's a fancy dress party for English friends). Now I did not have much because I did not have a lot of places to hide things. Soon I had  a few new dresses, some panties, at least one bra, pantyhose, even a wig and a pair of high heel pumps. I had a nice bit of kit for a teenage tranny!

Dressing was still very sexually driven activity, made worse by the fact that I did not know what I was... gay, straight, transsexual... I was a guilt ridden mess. Around this time I discovered pornography. So toss that into the mix and I became really confused about everything. I started reading stories about transvestites, Men forced into submissive roles, dressed up as maids, hookers, or school girls, men having gay sex with other men... It was that I did not like to look at the beautiful women in the centerfolds... It was that I wanted to be them! And anytime I spotted a story (mostly in Penthouse or forum) that even hinted to crossdressing I devoured it! I really started to think I was gay. The stories caused me to become aroused and I placed myself  in the story. So each guilt tainted orgasm only served to reinforce the idea I was gay. I never once considered all the times I pleasured myself over all beautiful women in the "straight" porn. But that is the way pornography works. It drives you to the unhealthy and unrealistic. It is designed to feed the darker desires well carry with us. It was in no way a appropriate tool for a teenage boy to use to figure out who he is!

After a while the guilt was too much... I purged. What that means is that I took every article of female clothing and what porn I had hidden away tossed it out! I was done I could not take it any longer. Keeping a secret, the fear of discovery, the fear of thinking I was gay. I had to stop. I did for a while. eventually I could not resist the need to dress. the need to feel like a girl. This purge cycle is very common in the transgendered community. The desire always comes back and stronger each time. For me the desire's return was so overpowering  I considered suicide. I wanted to to take my own life. I did not want to be like this. I did not think there was any other option. Then the Universe stepped in... I went to church with a friend and discovered a youth group. I joined the church and went on my own. My parents are fairly agnostic but were very supportive, driving me to church sometimes even attending my baptism and confirmation. Both during the same ceremony. I chose not to try and kill myself (I am still here after all) But questions were still not answered. I needed to figure it all out.

Eventually I applied the scientific method and tested several variables... I discovered I was not gay. Simply because I tried it. I discovered is that I truly have no emotional or physical attraction to men. Honestly the sex was just that... sex. I just have no capacity to be romantically intimate with a man. I guess I can take that off my bucket list. I also figured out that I like my penis too much to have it removed. so that rules out being a transsexual too. Yet I still wanted to be a woman to live as a woman... I just did not know how to do it.

When I joined the military I used the time to purge once again but not out of guilt but out of a need to get perspective and distance from the trappings that defined my female identity. It worked. It certainly did not cure me as you can see! What it did was give me the space I needed to process everything that had a impact  on what I was going through.

When I got out of the military I ended up in LA still in the closet but going out to clubs were gurls like me were accepted. I managed to get out once a month sometimes more and I was happy... well happier than I was growing up. I had tranny friends and finally had a outlet for my female side.

Fast forwarding to today. I was still in the same pattern of getting out once or twice a month. Meeting other gurls at a gay bar to watch a drag show, have a few cocktails (love that word) then go home to my "real life" . That was fine until last year. I needed more. I needed to let Candice out. I needed to live my life the way I want to. The time was right. I have my own business, I lived alone, I had a good group of friend I felt I could talk to and I did. I will never go back. This girl is out and she loves it.

I now feel that I have a good balance between my male and female lives. Slowly I am living more and more as Candice, but my male self will always be around. and I will continue to grow as a woman, as a person and as a man. I have never been happier or healthier. I am truly free. If anyone cares to go read this blog from the first entry back on November 5th it will shed even more light into what I have gone through these past 4 plus months. I know this is a little Readers Digest kind of autobiography being a blog and all. I just hope this post helps my close friends understand who Candice is a little better and anyone searching for their own answers.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me through this journey of mine, I love you all.


1 comment:

  1. Candi - thank you for sharing your story and for your bravery in letting it be heard. As human beings we should never stop growing, exploring, figuring ourselves out and it is never too late to start or change. It's awesome that you are comfortable with yourself enough to let people into your life and experience. I just cannot say enough good things!!