Monday, March 11, 2013

Writer's Block, Hitting The Gender Wall And Some Other Stuff.



Hello my friends, it really has been a long time. After my last posting I came down with a case of writer's block and it was as if all the momentum and enthusiasm I had for the blog just vanished. I had a few false starts. Sitting in front of the laptop with every intention of continuing my story for the enjoyment of all my fans! And you know who you are... All eleven of my subscribers. But it was more like when you join the gym the day after New Years; You start out all pumped and focused on the promise of a new you. But by Valentines Day your back to stuffing your cake hole and watching reality TV. So I may have had a little case of burn out. Not just over the blog either. I stopped going out as much. A sort of self imposed sequestration (Yea, got to use that word and not have it part of some budget propaganda!) What was the problem you ask (I know 11 of you who are asking)? I simply was pushing myself too hard down the "Transgender Superhighway" (yup, made that up) I was simply trying to progress faster than I realistically was ready to. There is no secret that I would love to have a vagina. Hell with all the soul searching I have done these past years I know I have wanted one since I discovered girls did not have penises! By the way I want to give a shout out to Lori F. The sweet little girl who played " I will show you mine if you show me yours" back when we were 7 or 8. Lori you rock! I did not know what I was looking at then but I knew I wanted one. Besides, we all know most men still don't know what they are looking at when it comes to a woman's naughty bits ( I am so over using va-jay-jay. Can we find a new term for the magic box already...)


Basically I slammed into the Great Wall of Gender (not only did I make this one up too but it ties in with the title of the post... nice) doing 100 miles per hour. The two cornerstones propping this wall is the fact that I still can not come out to my family (totally my issue not theirs)  and I need to create a more suitable career path for myself as a woman. The end result is that I was making my self sick and depressed. I was having nightmares about my family, I was becoming more and more depressed from the lack of "progress" and I was cursing my penis. I still managed to get out some but I was not feeling the energy I had. I even stopped going to my therapist. The pressure I placed on myself was killing me, I had to do something. So I put on my big girl pants and went back to the doctor. Smart move.

One of the things I was doing wrong is that I did not stop to consider just how far I have come and to appreciate the monumental progress I have actually accomplished. I needed to step back and take a breath.


I am blessed with amazing friends who support me, I have a good business, I have a good (yet clueless) family and I am really happy with who I am inside. The absolute worst thing that could happen is that my situation stays the way it is for a while longer until I muster the balls (that one day may be gone) to come out to my family and figure out how to make a living. Not too bad at all if you ask this girl. So now I am back on track living the life of the "social whore" that I am. In the last two week alone I have been out 9 times! and I have three more nights boked this week. It feels wonderful to be alive again! 


During all this I have started going back to Church (as Candice) trying to rediscover my faith (This is the "And Other Stuff" part of the title). I recently described myself as a "Jesus Tease" going to various churches and services but not committing myself to any one of them. So a While back I started going to a Methodist church with a girlfriend and have been going ever since. As a preteen and  through my teenage years I attended a United Methodist Church. A friend invited me to join the youth group and I started going on my own. My parents are and were at the time functional agnostics/recovering Catholics. but very supportive of my choices (I don't think that they would have liked my first boyfriend though, actually I did not like him myself). They would drop me off at church or the youth group meetings then pick me back up after. Soon after high school I drifted away form the church. But now I am back and trying to figure things out and attending services has helped so much. Plus a post church brunch is always nice!


I do have one more "first " coming up this month. I am attending a dear friends Passover dinner.I have attended the same dinner for a number of years now but as my male self (ugh) and this year I am attending as who I really am. I was invited as Candice last year but could not do it. I was not ready. Now my biggest concern is what to wear! Not from a style or fashion sense but from a religious tradition perspective. I am very excited. 


So we may as well jump right from the topics of faith and religious tradition to the butt shots... What better way is there to "end" a blog post... I even tossed in a double butt shot and a solo guest butt shot. Anything for the best eleven subscribers anyone could could ask for! 





Heels high, hems short and cleavage out ladies! Till next time take a good look at the guy next to you; He may be a tranny!

XXOO
Candi.

9 comments:

  1. Wear whatever...we're not religious by any means. Its funny, last year I thought a lot about it & invited both Chuck & Candice, letting you choose. This year I only invited Candice. I'd like to say it was a conscious effort to make you come as Candice, but the truth is alphabetically Candice comes first! Although once I put Candice on the list, then when I got to Chuck, unlike last year where I pondered & pondered what to do, this year with nary a thought, I skipped over Chuck. And thats just how it is now, no big deal. Not to negate its still a big deal to you with family & work, but, wow, you should be so proud of how far you have come in just a year, that to many of us its no longer a big deal, just is what is.

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  2. I want to totally applaud you and also to validate your taking some time off for self-care. Any time you make as many life changes as you have there is going to be fallout. I have a nephew who is going through a similar thing right now. I really don't know him that well and I want to be supportive of his choices but I don't know what to do. Maybe you could help me out with that. How would I be able to reach out to him and let him know that he is loved and supported? BTW..I love your clothes!!!

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    1. Simply tell him you support him is his journey. Help him find a doctor and therapist in his area. The best thing he can have is professional help. Anything else really depends on two things; Your family dynamic and your comfort level. Thanks for the complement about my clothing choices.

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    2. Great!! You'll have all your supporters there to boost your courage if needed!!! xox

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  3. Now 12 subscribers. ;-)

    p.s. I have a great love for the united methodist church too.

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    1. Thanks Megan! I noticed your subscription the other day. Thanks. XXOO

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  4. Hi Candice
    just another girl from across the pond. Fantastic writing in your blog keep it coming, every time i read a blog like your i draw strength from it. Heres a confession i used to be a transvestite or so i thought but since i found material like yours and Tammy's and others online i now know that i am transexual because i derive an inner pleasure that calms me and makes me hopefull for he future. This is an amazing turn of events from someone who barely wanted to live but a few years ago.
    Oh i love your cheeky pics too even if i am not a bum girl, that said the one in front of the white car gave me a certain tingle definitely not the kind a man has.
    i think i might be no 12, so keep it going you are fun.

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  5. Thanks Debbie. I just posted a new entry. Please check it out and let me know what you think. I too thought I was only a transvestite once but now I too know it is much deeper than that. Thank you again for your kind words. XXOO.

    Candi.

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