Letting my girl out.: September 2012

Hello my friends. It is Sunday (for me, I do not know what day you will be reading this) and the only plan I have is to stay home and do as little as possible. Well beyond working on this post and drinking coffee (mmm, coffee) that is. In the last few weeks since my last posting I have taken a extensive amount of time to do some real soul searching about my life as both a woman and a man. Where I want to go and how to get there. Not a day has gone by since I was a child that I have not thought about the woman inside of me and how much she has wanted her freedom. But for the first time, even since coming out I have finally taken the time to be alone and with my thoughts and ask myself some really hard questions. I know it sounds odd to read that, given that this entire blog has been about my journey into a world where Candice can live her life openly. You would think that I have been doing just that all along.

The fact of the matter is that I as a woman have changed since coming out. When this blog stared I was fairly adamant about "Not feeling like I could fully transition" as in have SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). I never fully closed the door on the possibility but at the time I allowed my male self to put up defenses and protect its self. I have taken this time to break down those same defense mechanisms. These "road blocks" had to be removed to allow myself the clarity of thought needed to truly address the duality of my life as it now stands.

What I have discovered during this time is;

1) I am putting too much on my plate at one time (no not a diet problem, that's another issue). by this I mean that I am worried about too much, career choices, gender issues, where I want to live, dealing with family etc... What is needed is to "simply" focus on what Candice needs and wants out of her/my life as a woman. Then adapting the rest of my life to reach my goals as a woman. Simply taking one step at a time rather then having the transgendered equivalent of ADHD or as I like to call it OLSS (Oh Look, Something Shiny).

2) I have come to accept that with a professionals guidance I am finally allowing myself to fully embrace the option of transitioning and living my life as the woman I have always wanted to be. What that life will look like depends on the thoughts and goals from the first step above.

3) Life is not set in stone. As I continue on my journey I must accept and be open to changes in both my attitude and the reality of the situation I live in. Life is fluid and adaptability is the key to survivability and success.

4) Now the boy is on the inside. As my male self continuously becomes a smaller part of my day to day life I now honestly feel like a woman with a man inside of her (kind of sounds naughty). I love this change in my life the most. I have never felt more alive, free and challenged.

I know these bullet points may seem like very broad generalizations on my part and I did leave out how much I wanted to have my own breasts. But there is a tremendous amount of depth and self realization behind each of these four points, more than I could cover in this blog (God breasts would be nice).

So life in the girl lane is moving along well. Over the years I have hit a few speed bump and made a few wrong turns but now I know I am on the right road and headed in the right direction.

Life as Candice is a gift. presenting yourself to the world as a woman is hard work (having my own breasts would make it easier) even for genetic women. I could never go back to being a guy like I was. I may not have all the right parts but I have the right soul.

In the time since the last post I have had some wonderful outings with my girlfriends. I sometimes get contacted by other girls like myself about my outings and "how do I do it" or how do I have so many friends. Most are young and very closeted and only out themselves online through venues like Facebook.

My advice to these girls is to look at yourself and try to be true to who you are on the inside. If being a crossdresser is a sexually driven act then be honest and about it because thigh high boots and a tube top are not going to fly in a nice bistro or a night at the theater. Unless you like the look that screams submissive tranny hooker. If you want to express a truly female side then look at women in your age group and how they dress and act. Work with that. Be a student of women, style and fashion. remember women dress for other women. not for men (if women dressed for men all they would need is hot jeans and a tight tee shirt).

As for friends... If you do not think your friends would support you expressing your inner woman or just being true to yourself in any fashion then you need new friends . DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE UNDER THE THREAT OR FEAR OF OTHER PEOPLES JUDGMENTS OR PREJUDICES. That is not living.

Most importantly, be amazing, be kind, have a open mind, respect others. Be the friend you would want have. Be honest with yourself at all times, try and speak in complete sentences and think critically about the word around you. These are all tools that on the whole can not guarantee happiness, but they will help you find it.

OK, time for butt shots because I need to get some lunch and I think I was getting a little soapbox-y on this post. I think the next one will be about shoes, bags and clothes. I got to lighten this up from time to time! LOL.

Have a great day everyone, what ever day it is for you!

XXOO

Candi.

Hello my friends... In the last two weeks I have been a very busy girl. Last week I was out three nights in a row. This week I had two items on my calendar. Tuesday was our regular girls night out and Thursday was a little dinner with a couple of girlfriends I do not get to see that much of. I know I like to brag a little about my near constant outings (I am a social whore after all) but this time its a little different. There has been a underlying theme cropping up during some of my adventures and I wanted to share it with you all.

The theme really boils a question that has started to come up with greater frequency now that being Candice is a real and regular part of my life and that of my friends (and my sister's too)... That question is; Do I plan on transitioning? Having the "operation"? or some variations of these. Well the answer is still I do not know. Only because I do not know if it would be the right thing from a psychological/clinical level. I have always wanted to be a woman from my earliest memories as a child through to today. If it was as simple as taking a pill or pushing a button I would not hesitate. But the process is complicated, risky, heartbreaking, irreversible and takes the kind of resolve I may not have. This is why people who choose to transition are vetted by medical professionals over years not months. There is always the looming possibility of having "buyers remorse" because as you know..."All the kings men and all the kings horses could not put Humpty's junk back together again" I have found a few recommended therapists in my area. I will set up appointments over the next few months to explore what my options could be. I may just end up living two lives like in my current situation. Not what I would hope for but something I can live with.

Another aspect on the subject of transitioning I find interesting is the varied and strong reactions I receive from some my girlfriends when it comes to the issue of surgical transition. Its not about choosing to live as a woman. I can say with much confidence that almost all of my friends would support that choice. Now the percentage of friends who have objections or strong concerns about taking this big of a step is very small. Of that percentage, most are worried about the "buyers remorse" I noted above. Some are adverse to the medical risks and I think a even smaller number just not comfortable with the idea of reconstructing ones genitals. All valid concerns given the permanence of the procedure. As for my relationship with my boy bits, twig and berries, the old wedding vegetables, the frank and beans, bat and balls, etc... I really am neutral. They serve their purpose and have done a good job over the years. but for the most part they are just in the way and if not put away right can ruin the line of a nice skirt or dress! So like I have noted in the past, my situation, when it comes to my evolving womanhood has now gone beyond my ability to process what my goals really are and how to make the informed choices to reach those goals. I am very respectful and aware of the risks, demands and gravity related to more permanent changes in my life as Candice. I will keep my friends and readers informed at to how this part of my life progresses because I do believe that sharing my story can help others with their own journey... I guess you could think of surgical transitioning as being the ultimate form of recycling or rather re-purposing. It sounds like a very green thing to do... or should I say a very "pink" thing to do!

I love walking out my door as Candice. Every foray out into the word as my feminine self is a true gift. Its a gift I must truly thank all my amazing and brilliant friends for helping make it possible that I can be true to myself. All to often girls like me are hemmed in by the fear of rejection, ridicule, or worse. I know I had those same fears over the years. Because of the unwavering support, love and friendship you all have given me I can walk out that door with pride and a smile on my face. I can openly discuss the prospect of truly changing my gender. I can tell the world this is who I am. When people read this blog I am thanked and praised for the honesty and bravery I show in sharing my story. I do not consider it brave to tell like it is. I think of it as giving something back. Educating the "non-transgendered" (civilian) and showing trans-girls there is a way to be who you want to be.

There are other changes afoot in my life that are in some aspects related to my life as a woman. I have decided to work on a exit plan to retire from my current business and venture into another field. over the next several years. Of course the hard part is deciding on what path to take and how Candice should fit into that choice. I have been doing my current gig for 19 years and it is time for a change. I feel the business has reached it limits for the market it is in and really has be flat for a very long time. It does provide a great income but with most cases of burnout, I am becoming more and more indifferent and apathetic with each passing day. The prospect of being able to make positive changes and starting with a "clean slate" and looking at the word with a fresh set of eyes is liberating and invigorating.

There are very few male friends I want to spend any time with at all anymore. As Candice continues to take shape, I find that I am more and more dissuaded to bond with other men. More to the point I am finding myself disgusted by male behavior in general. When ever I see a group of men, all I can think is "what a bunch of D-Bags". I am no way saying this is the way other women feel about men or should. I think that I just truly prefer the disposition, attitude, and grace of women to the aspects that define male behavior. The women in my life make me a better person, they help make me a better woman. Men, not so much.

Next week a girlfriend is getting married to a great guy (one of the ones I consider a friend not a D-Bag). I even got to meet her and help her pick out her wedding gown! How cool is that! She is getting married in the early morning one day next week so I am going to miss the ceremony but I will be there for the party later that day! Its amazing opportunities like the chance to help out a girlfriend pick out her gown that make me thankful for being Candice. I now have a very open attitude when it comes to meeting new women friends. In the past I would hold back and see what kind of person they may be before I tell them about Candice. Now I just put out on the table. I am not going to ram Candice down anyone's throat. but if that person wants to know more or even explore a friendship with my feminine side the door is open. the photo below is a of a great and wonderful new girlfriend who I truly adore.

Girls rock! I will be going out a couple of times next week and will be continuing to work on my future plans. Candice is who I am at my core. And I need to work on my "core" LOL OK that was a little fitness pun...