Hello my friends. I hope everyone is safe, happy and well. A week after my last post I was at dinner with a few girlfriends (when am I not out with a few girlfriends). Our table happened to be near the hallway leading to the restrooms. I was facing out in the direction one would approach said hallway, when I looked up to see my BROTHER heading towards the bathrooms! I as you know except for my sister(s) (spoiler alert) no one my family knows me as Candice. My brother looked right at me and did not see me! No hint of recognition in his face or eyes at all. None the less I freaked out! I said OH SHIT so loud in my head I thought everyone could hear it. I turned to my friends and said I got to go NOW, that was my f-ing brother that just went in the bathroom... I got up and walked out . I stood in the parking lot for a few minutes. I knew I had to go back in. I had food ordered and he did not really see me. I texted one of my friends and asked her to switch places so my back would be to the hallway. It still took 45 minutes for my butt to un-clench but I was fine... for the most part. Oddly enough My brother must have been at the bar when I walked in because that is the direction he came from. And the first thing I did was walk to the bar to say hello to one of the girls working there that I know very well. My brother must have only been 10 feet away from me! My friends do say I really do not look like my male self when I am my true self (That would be Candice for those who are new fans of the blog).
As a side note, yesterday on my way home from church (as Candice) I needed to stop at the store to pick of a few food items. Not one minute after I got in my car and was leaving I got a call from my parents. My father had some family news and mentioned that they were stopping to pick up some stuff at the same store I just walked out of! Holly crap! They never go to that store. I guess the big guy was watching out for this girl! (having come from church and all, I can see where he would have my back).
I have two sisters. My older sister has known about me as Candice for quite some time and we were discussing our unique family dynamic as it relates to my being transgendered . She thought it was time that i came out to my younger sister. I gave it some thought and agreed. So about a week later I got a call from my younger sibling and I spilled the beans... I do not even remember what I said or how I even broached the subject. All that mattered is that she was nothing but loving and supportive! I posted this news on Facebook and twitter (yes I am a "Tweeting Tranny") and recieved dozens of "likes" and words of encouragement. She did want to borrow one or two of my wigs and loved my style (can you blame her, I think not) I did get the typical questions... Do you like boys or girls? Do you want the "operation:? If you have the "operation" will you only like boys? How long have you been dressing up? etc, etc... I do mot mind these questions at all. Simply because people who have always known what gender they are and their sexual orientation have a hard time grasping what my world is like and understandably so. I love my sisters with all my heart!
One of the best parts of my journey is that coming out to people has truly become a non event. I think it is because of a number of factors: 1) I have become more open and comfortable about who I am. 2) Society has become more open and accepting of the LGBT community. Who does not have a friend, family member, coworker, etc... that is not openly part of the LGBT world? I almost can,t swing a dead (ewww) cat with out hitting a friend who does not have a gay child or sibling or even trans in their lives. And 3) I have a wonderful and amazing network of friends around me that help give me the strength and love I need not only to be myself but be true to myself. In fact I have 174 mutual friends between my male and female Facebook profiles. Add to that number, locally there are another dozen or so who have "friended" me only as Candice! The world is becoming more tolerant and accepting everyday. Slowly but not with out a struggle, it is becoming a better place and I an a better and healthier woman because of it.
About Facebook... I keep two profiles one male one female (like I really had to clarify that). My male profile is the ugly stepchild (my apologies to the ugly stepchildren out there). I really do not do anything with it and only check it once a week. I would love to just dump it but I know that is not practical right now. This is mostly because of far flung family members and old connections that are not (yet) part of my life as a woman. I actually resent my feelings of obligation as to keeping the profile around. That guy is such a small part of my life now but I need to keep him around for very practical reasons. I guess you could file this under "necessary evil".
I Have been attending church every Sunday now for a while. I must say it has been a pleasure to be accepted by the church. Both pastors go out of their way to greet me and ask how I doing. I am pretty sure I am the first openly trans member of the church and it is so nice to feel so welcome. The experience of going to church has become a valuable tool for me to find peace and it helps with putting everything in perspective. Finding the balance between two worlds is a struggle at times (okay... all the time). I am getting through it and I am making great strides every day. Everyone says I am visibly happier as a woman, and I agree. When I look at my phots I no longer see a man in drag I see a woman. I see who I really am. I honest don't like looking at myself in guy mode or even photos of me in boy drag. That is what it has become. being a man is the costume... Its when I am out as a male that I am crossdressing. The photo below is me outside the church on Easter Sunday.
I love how normal my life as a woman is becoming. Transitioning is not just about changing clothing or taking hormones or even having reassignment surgery. Its about going to work, going to church, running errands, its about having people accept you for who you are. Good friends, family, nights out... its all part of the process. Like I mentioned in the above paragraph, it is a struggle. Some days my male self fights back like the Darth Vader in the Empire Strikes Back, of course only to be crushed under my 5 inch platform pumps. (Darth Vader is a pussy). Other days depression and anxiety over my lack of progress or some level of self doubt. But it all passes because this is the path I should be on. I am truly happy deep down where it counts.
Well I think it is time for a few butt shots and a guest butt. Thank you all for supporting me and this blog. Be safe and have a wonderful week! I know I will. Three nights out with girlfriends this week. I really am a social whore.
.
XXOO
Candi.
