This past Sunday I took another big step on the path to living my life as a woman... I went to Church... I know shocking! What was I thinking! Crazy talk... For those who know me I am not a very religious woman. Not that going to church makes me a more of a woman. Or even that only "real" women go to church. I went for two very strong reasons; First I have not been to a church service in over a year. I usually attend church as a guest of a friend and have worshiped in almost every type of christian venue from a Catholic Church to Mormon one. What I have not done is attend services at the church I chose to join as a young person in over 30 years! And that is what I did Sunday. My girlfriends Kelly, Alicia and myself went to the Methodist church where Kelly and Alicia regularly attend services. What a wonderful experience it was. Everyone was so warm and welcoming. I can not wait to go back! More about this later. The second reason I went to church is really not about going to church its self but about starting to fill in more of my day to day life as Candice. Truly focusing on living each day as my female self.. The simple acts of attending a church service or running errands, the stuff that makes up our daily lives I strive to accomplish as Candice. As some of my best girlfriends have pointed out that being a woman is not all cocktails, happy hours and girls nights out! I could not agree more. Being trans is kind of like being a vampire. Most girls only come out after dark and live in the world of the bar and club. I would dare say that most are not willing to face the harsh florescent light of the grocery store, much less the light of day. I love the light of day and I embrace my life as a woman.
Back to church... I will be honest, I have drifted from my faith for a number of reasons. I have doubts and I question the validity of my faith and religion on the whole. I do not think this is a bad thing. I think it is better to question and test ones faith and beliefs than to blindly follow them. Spirituality is a product of the soul while religion is a product of man. Man by nature is prone to flaws and mistakes. So my feeling is that when you find a group that shares your beliefs, be it Methodist, Catholic, Mormon, Muslim, Jewish etc... It is a wonderful thing. Just be true to your heart and to your God first, the church second. As I continue on my path I never really thought about the spiritual aspect of my continuing transition. When my girlfriend Kelly suggested I go with her to church, it truly felt like was right thing to do. By going I was not and I am not looking for absolution or to confess my sins and bare my soul to God. I am fairly certain the the lord is well aware of who I am and what I have done. My journey is a rich and complicated one at best. Facing my faith (or lack of) and my spirituality is necessary if I am to make the right choices about who I am and where I am going.
Lets talk about the "T" word(s)... Tranny, trans, TG, TS, TV, CD, Gurl, even shemale... Everyone who is part of a particular cultural, social, professional and ethnic group etc... has a certain amount of license when using what could be considered derogatory vernacular to describe the group or the people in the group. Just look at the routines popular Jewish, black, Irish, even women comedians. as well as others. Each openly uses language that if used by someone from outside that group, would be considered insulting or worse. I am not saying this is a bad thing, but I will say that some groups do not do themselves any favors by openly perpetuating inflammatory or negative images of the group they represent. It is all about language. When I got this blog rolling I was so concerned about the words I used to describe myself and the trans community as a whole. I did mot want to use words like "tranny" I wanted to be a little too "PC" I even used words to draw a line between myself and who I was becoming. For example I did not want to use the word "girl" instead I used the common word "gurl" used by many in the transgendered community. As I come to terms with who I am and the woman I am becoming I no longer feel it is correct or honest to use terms like "gurl". I am a woman, it is who I am, even if I transition mo father than I have so far. In my heart I am a woman. Nothing can change that and nor would I want anything to change that. Going back over the blog I just noticed the evolution of the language progressing along with my journey and my growth as a woman.
I am down to being male socially once a week sometimes less now. Work is work and a girls has got to earn a living so for now the daily boy grind continues. I just can not believe how much better I feel expressing myself as a woman. Being honest and owning who you are is a wonderful thing. That being said, This Thanksgiving I am headed back east to have dinner with my long lost siblings. My one sister knows and loves me as Candice but thinks we need to bring the others into the circle slowly. Because having a transgendered bother who is becoming a sister is a little outside of there experience zone. The only real downside if the trip is that I will be stuck in boy mode for 6 days! I have not have had that much consecutive time as a guy in almost a year or so! I posted about this dilemma on FB a few days ago and go a number of good creative responses from my friends. I said by day three I should be craving a nice skirt and some cute heels! I am a dressy girl after all.
This girl has a busy week. I have dinner dates with a old girlfriend and her husband and another girlfriend who is coming into town with her boyfriend. I will be going back to church Sunday with Kelly. Life really is good! But even better in heels (or cute flats too). I am so happy that the season has changed. Fall/winter is my favorite time of year for fashion. I love the layers and scarves! And don't let me get started on boots and tights! Being a girl is just fun and yummy sometimes! Hell I am still addicted to Pintrest! Yikes...
I love how openly narcissistic most blogging is. Especially with the nature of ones like mine. I do have a more lofty view of this blog because I use it to process my thoughts, share my story with my friends and to give something to other girls in the trans community. But I guess many bloggers all have a lofty view of their work as well.There is a guilty thrill knowing that my hit counter is closing in on 8000 page views. It is even a little flattering (despite the fact that I can't stand them) to get a note from a tranny chaser also known as an "admirer" (you have got to love this whole language thing). One of the first things I recommend to any girl who contacts me asking for advice, is to start a blog or a journal, Get your thoughts out on paper. it has saved my life and helped me along my way.
Well I have to run. I hope you all have a safe, happy and wonderful Thanksgiving! I will leave you with a butt shot or two. XOXO
Love you all! Stay sassy my friends!
Candi
