inbetween...

My goal is to live as much of my life as I can as a woman.... as Candice. The issue really boils down to how much of my male life can be offset by my desire to be female. How far can I develop as a woman and still maintain a male persona for professional and some social reasons?

I have in one way or another always lived a double life. Hiding my crossdressing from the world. Living with shame and guilt and fear of discovery. Now I have the strength and confidence to overcome all that. There has aways been a strong female part of who I am and now my feminine self is striving for equal billing and then some! Every time I walk out my door as Candice to meet friends and every time I "out" myself to a new person the woman inside gets stronger. I do not want to transition through surgery (I am rather fond of my penis), yet I am "transgendered". I desire to truly be the best woman I can. But that desire must be tempered within the limitations of my male reality.

How do I manage this change and accomplish my goal? I have never faced this kind of challenge before. The devil is in the details with the broad stroke this goal represents. Fist I will need to figure out what 30%-40% of my time looks like and how I can spend that time as a woman. How will this part time "transition" impact my long term future? How do I bring this into future relationships? At this level? Its one thing to have a girlfriend who knows, accepts and even supports some intermittent crossdressing escapades. Its a completely different thing to be with someone who splits their time between genders (don't know if Match.com has a category for that). One thing is very clear, the number of people who know me as Candice will need to be increased. 30%-40% of my time will include normal activities like food shopping and other errands out and about. And that means more contact with people. One last point to consider is, as I start to reach my goal will it be enough? Will I want to be more of a woman? If there is anything I have learned this past year as I have ventured out past my comfort zone is that there is a great chance I will want to live almost completely as a woman at some point. For now the goal I have set for myself is a great challenge alone.

It comes down to baby steps with the occasional giant leap. I will be sitting down with pen and paper mapping this journey out. By the New years I want to have a plan in place that is adaptable, reasonable and realistic. Something that works and identifies smaller goals along the way.

As a somewhat unrelated thought... today I caught a commercial on TV selling a herbal product that boosts testosterone in men over 40. As men age it is a fact that our testosterone levels drop. My hypothesis is that I have found (rather unscientifically) that a lot of gurls like myself start to come out in our 40s and older. I am wondering if the lower testosterone levels associated with age have a contributing factor to this? Is it possible that the offset in the hormone could somehow allow our feminine side to develop and yearn for expression? Sounds good in my head anyway.

This Thursday I will be out with my friend Leda for dinner. It will be her first time meeting me as Candice. She is very excited and supportive. Next Tuesday is girls night out with my friends Renee and Jennifer. Kelly may be able to join us as well. I will be talking to my girlfriends about my goal also and getting their input too.

Well I got to run, thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Love
Candi