To "V" Or Not To "V" That Is The Question...

Hello my friends... In the last two weeks I have been a very busy girl. Last week I was out three nights in a row. This week I had two items on my calendar. Tuesday was our regular girls night out and Thursday was a little dinner with a couple of girlfriends I do not get to see that much of. I know I like to brag a little about my near constant outings (I am a social whore after all) but this time its a little different. There has been a underlying theme cropping up during some of my adventures and I wanted to share it with you all.

The theme really boils a question that has started to come up with greater frequency now that being Candice is a real and regular part of my life and that of my friends (and my sister's too)... That question is; Do I plan on transitioning? Having the "operation"? or some variations of these. Well the answer is still I do not know. Only because I do not know if it would be the right thing from a psychological/clinical level. I have always wanted to be a woman from my earliest memories as a child through to today. If it was as simple as taking a pill or pushing a button I would not hesitate. But the process is complicated, risky, heartbreaking, irreversible and takes the kind of resolve I may not have. This is why people who choose to transition are vetted by medical professionals over years not months. There is always the looming possibility of  having "buyers remorse" because as you know..."All the kings men and all the kings horses could not put Humpty's junk back together again" I have found a few recommended therapists in my area. I will set up appointments over the next few months to explore what my options could be. I may just end up living two lives like in my current situation. Not what I would hope for but something I can live with.

Another aspect on the subject of transitioning I find interesting is the varied and strong reactions I receive from some my girlfriends when it comes to the issue of surgical transition.  Its not about choosing to live as a woman. I can say with much confidence that almost all of my friends would support that choice. Now the percentage of friends who have objections or strong concerns about taking this big of a step is very small. Of that percentage, most are worried about the "buyers remorse" I noted above. Some are adverse to the medical risks and I think a even smaller number just not comfortable with the idea of reconstructing ones genitals. All valid concerns given the permanence of the procedure. As for my relationship with my boy bits, twig and berries, the old wedding vegetables, the frank and beans, bat and balls, etc... I really am neutral. They serve their purpose and have done a good job over the years. but for the most part they are just in the way and if not put away right can ruin the line of a nice skirt or dress! So like I have noted in the past, my situation, when it comes to my evolving womanhood has now gone beyond my ability to process what my goals really are and how to make the informed choices to reach those goals. I am very respectful and aware of the risks, demands and gravity related to more permanent changes in my life as Candice. I will keep my friends and readers informed at to how this part of my life progresses because I do believe that sharing my story can help others with their own journey... I guess you could think of surgical transitioning as being the ultimate form of recycling or rather re-purposing. It sounds like a very green thing to do... or should I say a very "pink" thing to do!

I love walking out my door as Candice. Every foray out into the word as my feminine self is a true gift. Its a gift I must truly thank all my amazing and brilliant friends for helping make it possible that I can be true to myself. All to often girls like me are hemmed in by the fear of rejection, ridicule, or worse. I know I had those same fears over the years. Because of the unwavering support, love and friendship you all have given me I can walk out that door with pride and a smile on my face. I can openly discuss the prospect of truly changing my gender. I can tell the world this is who I am. When people read this blog I am thanked and praised for the honesty and bravery I show in sharing my story. I do not consider it brave to tell like it is. I think of it as giving something back. Educating the "non-transgendered" (civilian) and showing trans-girls there is a way to be who you want to be.

There are other changes afoot in my life that are in some aspects related to my life as a woman. I have decided to work on a exit plan to retire from my current business and venture into another field. over the next several years. Of course the hard part is deciding on what path to take and how Candice should fit into that choice. I have been doing my current gig for 19 years and it is time for a change. I feel the business has reached it limits for the market it is in and really has be flat for a very long time. It does provide a great income but with most cases of burnout, I am becoming more and more indifferent and apathetic with each passing day. The prospect of  being able to make positive changes and starting with a "clean slate" and looking at the word with a fresh set of eyes is liberating and invigorating.

There are very few male friends I want to spend any time with at all anymore. As Candice continues to take shape, I find that I am more and more dissuaded to bond with other men. More to the point I am finding myself disgusted by male behavior in general. When ever I see a group of men, all I can think is "what a bunch of D-Bags". I am no way saying this is the way other women feel about men or should. I think that I just truly prefer the disposition, attitude, and grace of women to the aspects that define male behavior. The women in my life make me a better person, they help make me a better woman. Men, not so much.

Next week a girlfriend is getting married to a great guy (one of the ones I consider a friend not a D-Bag). I even got to meet her and help her pick out her wedding gown! How cool is that! She is getting married in the  early morning one day next week so I am going to miss the ceremony but I will be there for the party later that day! Its amazing opportunities like the chance to help out a girlfriend pick out her gown that make me thankful for being Candice. I now have a very open attitude when it comes to meeting new women friends. In the past I would hold back and see what kind of person they may be before I tell them about Candice. Now I just put out on the table. I am not going to ram Candice down anyone's throat. but if that person wants to know more or even explore a friendship with my feminine side the door is open. the photo below is a of a great and wonderful new girlfriend who I truly adore.

Girls rock! I will be going out a couple of times next week and will be continuing to work on my future plans.  Candice is who I am at my core. And  I need to work on my "core" LOL OK that was a little fitness pun...

I guess I will wrap up with a few more photos and a butt shot or two...

I love this top!

This is the lucky gal who is getting married! You should see her in the gown she picked out! Stunning.

Boys are gross! Look how stunning my girlfriends are!

Yup... Butt shots. :-)

Well kids, that's all till next time! Be happy, be good to each other and be safe!

XXOO
Candi.

My Sister Knows And Finding Clarity At The Mall...

In my last posting I told the story about discovering that I have half siblings from my biological fathers exploits. I am not going to retell the story here, but in that post I presented myself  with the question of whether or not I should out my female side to my "new family"... Well I took the first step, I told the sister I have become closest to over the last two months about Candice. She is thankfully completely supportive and full of questions. She also feels that informing the others may not be the best course of action at this time. And after talking with them I must agree with her judgement. I must make clear that her call (and mine) on this matter is not based of the fact that my siblings are bigoted in any way. My sister and I feel that being transgendered and having the lifestyle that I do would be hard for them to wrap their heads around with out some ground work.

BTW, these first photos are from a night out with the girls at a nice sushi place. So the first few things I had to teach my sister is that 1) A person's physical body is not a indicator of their actual gender. 2) Ones gender is not a indicator of ones sexual orientation. 3) Sexual orientation is is not black and white... it is much more than simply straight, gay or bisexual. Sexual orientation is a rich and complex issue for each individual. I think she is starting to understand these points and seeing the world with much more open eyes. Not that she walked through life with heterosexual blinders on. She just needed the exposure to something outside of her day to day world to show her what was around her all along.

Of course questions like do I want to have "the operation", do I like boys or girls, when did this all start, who knows etc... have all been asked. I never tire of answering these questions because knowledge and information bring about understanding  tolerance and acceptance of the human condition irregardless of the subject matter.

   
As a funny side note my sister and I have discovered that we use the same brand makeup and even have some of the same shoes! She loves the fact that she now has a "new" sister to go along with her "new" brother. I can not wait to have her come out for a visit so she can join me and my girlfriends out on the town!
I do love my sister!

These last few photos are from a night out for Mexican food. A very good local establishment and authentic Mexican. Not that "Gringo Mexican" you get in a lot of places!

Last night I had to go to a formal-ish function in guy drab. Hated every second of it! Shirt/tie/slacks... Wow exciting... not! I swear guy mode can suck the life out of a girl! Candice has become such a major part of my day to day life that I am now much more prepared to function in girl mode than I am as a guy. I love it! I have dreamed of having this kind of freedom of expression my entire life.

First thing today I went out to get a cup of my favorite Italian coffee and do some window shopping in the cool of the morning at a high end outdoor plaza near my place. As I was checking out Coach, Bebe, Ann Taylor and other stores I came to the realization that I am pretty much where I have always wanted to be in my life. With a few exceptions I have the life I have wished for. I understand that I am still growing and evolving as a woman and have not yet won the lottery, but I have created a world where I can be true to who I am and the only limits I have are the one I have imposed on myself. Not society, not work, not even family. My limits are based only on my issues and comfort levels. The limited fallout from bring Candice out of the closet and into the real world has been minimal. This is due to years of finding friends who are open minded and secure in who they are and being loyal and true to them. It is funny how a simple Sunday morning stroll through a mall can  let you see your true refection in the store window.

OK, I digress, the next group of photos are from a dinner I had with a couple of girlfriends at a little bistro known for its late hours and great food.

it was the first night out with a new top and new hair.Also it was the first time out for a "new" girlfriend who has know me and of Candice for a while. I love expanding my circle of friends and just being a woman.

Honestly I could not imagine a world where Candice would not exist. I would not want to be in that world. For decades I paid a high price for keeping such a large part of who I am suppressed and I am happy those days are over. I also recognize that society is much more accepting and open now than it has ever been. Coming out sooner would have not been practical or safe. I am one of the lucky ones. Others have paid a much higher price then I ever had to. Many continue to pay the price through fear, self doubt, and personal risk. To them my heart goes out. I have skirted the edge of darkness myself and was lucky enough to find my way off that edge. I hope others can also.

This last group of photos are from this past Tuesday night. The girls and I decided to go back to the swanky steak house we visited last moth for their amazing happy hour menu. Plus two more "new" girlfriends were able to join us that night. Again the circle grows!

A great $5 selection of happy hour specials. I have a feeling this will become a much more regular spot for our Tuesday girls nights out.

Well that's it for this posting kids! Yup its time for a bunch of butt shots, because I am that kind of girl!

XXOO
Candi

Out of Left Field...

Hi friends! Let me start by telling you all what a crazy amazing week it has been for this gal! Several days ago while at breakfast I receive a call from a woman telling me I may be her half brother! (readers of this blog should know that I am actually a man who lives part time as a woman). Well as we spoke all the pieces fit into place...  The tale goes like this... a long time ago my mother was involved with a man and I was a product of that relationship. Sadly the man was not a good person. While my mother was pregnant with me he was carrying on with another woman who was pregnant at the same time as my mother! As a note, he already had one child with the woman a year earlier. As one could expect everything went south. He and my mother split and my biological father went to to have three more children with the other woman before things fell apart in that relationship. The man who is my biological father is, how can I say this... He is not a good man. He was abusive, narcissistic, a almost pathological liar, a absentee father and almost never paid any kind of child support, and there is the criminal record! Yea its great to have selection of mugshots of your father to pick from! I have never had any contact with my biological father and have no memory of him. Over the years he has either denied my existence or ignored the subject all together. The only reason my siblings found out about me is because their mother spilled the beans to one of my sisters. So 20 plus years later they found me and now I have three half brothers and two half sisters!How cool is that!

The big question is, how does Candice fit into this mix! I have already resolved the fact that I could never come out to my family. I am just too tightly wound up. This is also the biggest limiting factor in how far I can go as Candice. I guess a lifetime of living a double life and keeping secrets has a price. But now with the "new" family I have a chance to reinvent myself and take a different path. Because there will not be any active connection between my family and the "new" family, I can slowly feel them out and if it looks like a good situation I can gradually introduce my feminine side to my new siblings. I know my two "new sisters" would be very cool. and even my "new" brothers I feel would accept the idea. I have sent them photos of me as Candice from "costume parties" wink, wink. and have received good feedback. For now though I feel the best course of action it to continue to focus on learning about each other and establishing bonds. Ultimately I may chose to not tell them anything. It all depends on how things progress with them and how I continue to progress as a woman. Because I am almost completely out as Candice I feel a need to avoid creating another closet when it comes to my "new" siblings. Only time will tell.

Over the last few weeks I have been my normal social self, girl about town and all. Of course any excuse to show off the new Coach purse! Sorry its been a while but I am still excited about my first Coach! Can you blame a girl? I think not.

One night I went to dinner with a girlfriend I almost never get to see. We had a wonderful night together and a great meal at fun downtown spot. I almost never go out in guy mode nowadays. Spending time with my girlfriends and as a woman is what makes me happiest.

One Tuesday night we went to happy hour at a very swanky steak house. The happy hour deals were amazing and all $5!

I just love finding deals like that. I would have never expected a place like that to have such specials. and it was another excuse to show off the Coach!

Last Monday I went to a friends house for a going away party. sadly she is moving out of state. The cool thing is she is moving to Oregon. Looks like I will be planning a trip there too! Her sister gave me a super cool high heel boot purse! Being a girl really does rock!

Last Tuesday I took the new boot purse to dinner with a few of the gals. I told the Coach bag it was nothing personal and that she is still my favorite! I think she understood :-)

These last few weeks have been crazy  and all of it topped of with the discovery of a whole "new" family! So much to process! I will be going out this week for girls night out and hopefully having some more to tell you concerning my siblings. I hope everyone had a fun and safe 4th I will leave you with one oe sunglasses shot and the regular butt shots as well! Take care! 

Okay last one. Gosh that is a lot of ass! I need to post more between nights out! Be good to your self and the people around you! 

XXOO
Candi

I Am Such A Girl!

Hi girlfriends! Let me start by telling you that I have acquired my first new designer purse and wallet!

OMG! I am hooked! I never gave much thought to how much fun it is to have a true designer bag before. Remember I am coming from the male (ugh) world where, even though I was a closeted crossdresser the idea of wanting a bag like this did not make a lot of sense. After all a purse is a purse right? Wrong! There is something so amazing about owning a purse like this. Its really just a simple little bag, yet it is so much more. I received the bag on Saturday from my girlfriend Kelly who while on a trip to Mane picked the bag up for me. Thank you Kelly!!! (I love her). I brought the purse home and spent the rest of the night sitting on the couch with it over my shoulder or just feeling it! I could not put it down! I even ended up falling asleep on the couch (more about that damn couch later) cuddled up with it! I even went to so far as to post photos of my purse and wallet on Facebook. All I know is I have a new habit to feed and I now understand where my friend Michelle A.K.A. The Queen of Handbags and High Heels is coming from!

Since my last post I have had a few outings with my girlfriends. Two of the girls and I went out for sushi to this little place on the northwest side of town. I am not a huge fan of sushi but this place had wonderful food and great service.

The next night out we went to a swanky burger joint. We have been there before and the burgers are really good, The surprising thing is that the place also has a fantastic Chinese chicken salad! Yummy!

Please note that the purse in the above photo is not my new Coach bag... Just so there is no confusion over what bag it is. LOL. The next night out I joined a wonderful group of girls I do not have the opportunity to go out with very often. We had our dinner at a nice little Greek bistro. We had such a good time. I must say one thing about all my girlfriends, they all have amazing, sharp, brilliant senses of humor with just the right amount of sarcasm (that would be a lot of sarcasm).  

Tomorrow night  I am meeting the girls for our regular Tuesday night out and i can not wait because it will the  my first time out with the new Coach bag! I am so excited. It is hard for me to wrap my head around how the purse makes me feel. I think I am ovulating over it! 


The first week of the month the local LGBT support organization has a open meeting for members of the transgendered (MtF and FtM) community and their family and friends. I will be attending that meeting with a girlfriend to see what it is all about. I also plan on attending a MtF meeting the following week. My goal is to see what resources are out there and to find a recommendation for a counselor/therapist. I may even make a few friends along the way. 


Oh, and about that damn couch! For years (10!) I did not have a television (yes I am one of those people) and I almost never sat on my couch. Now I have a big HD flat screen and a nice couch and I am constantly passing out on the damn thing waking up at 3AM by the light of some infommercial. (that is why this is getting posted at 5AM) It has gotten to the point that when I get home late enough, I must walk in the house, not turn on any lights, go straight to the bedroom (right past the couch) take off my clothes only go to the bathroom to take off my makeup! If I sit on that couch I will end up sleeping there in my clothes and makeup. Let me tell you no one wants to see that in the morning! Its like a mini "walk of shame" from the couch to the bathroom. I would rather do a real "walk of shame" at least I would have something to show for it (shirt on backwards and smudged lipstick?).


On that note I have had to fend off only one tranny chaser since my past posting. I think they are figuring it out or I am just not as hot as I think I am. Either way it is nice not being bothered by creepy guys. 


Well its time for the butt shots and I need to get ready for work in guy land (hate it so much). Love you all and I will see you on my next posting! Bee good... or not, your all grown ups (I hope so anyway).

XXOO
Candi.

Happy Sunday!

Our regular Tuesday night with the girls was a lot of fun. We had dinner at a local Mexican establishment. The food was amazing as was the company. I know we will be back another night soon. At dinner I told the girls about the latest guy to hit on me online. This one told me I was a "hot M.I.L.F."  How flattering! What a charmer that one is! You have got to admire tranny chasers. Persistent little buggers. This guy was promptly blocked and I am sure that he is hitting on the next girl he finds at this very moment (unless the universe provided the bus needed to run him over).  One of the girls and I carpooled to dinner So when I took her back home we ended up taking a tour of her home (beautifully done) and talking for a while longer.It is so nice to connect with friends as Candice.

Sometimes I end up with a much deeper and closer connection with friends as Candice then I did as my male self. I appreciate that so much. I like to think of it as a added benefit of allowing my feminine side to develop and express its self. Simply the friendships that I have as Candice are deeper and more fulfilling then  some of the friendships I have as a male, even with the same people.

Since coming out, I have had quite a few one on one dinners with friends who have wanted to meet Candice. For so many people having a person like me come along (openly) is so far outside of their experience all that they want to do is ask questions and try to understand where I am coming from. I love answering the questions and helping them get a better grasp of the issue. And it helps me process all the changes I have made in my own life. As a funny side note, (much like the M.I.L.F. story above) form time to time things happen to show me how much of a girl I really am. Yesterday a friend from my male world (who does not know of Candice) sent me a link to a porn site (gasp!) video showing a woman making a guy very happy in a public park. Of course what do I do while watching the clip... I stop and go back to check out her jeans and shoes! Yup... I am a girl.

Tonight was one of those one on one dinners with a friend meeting Candice for the first time. My friend is so sweet. We shared so much and talked for a couple of hours. We will be going out again in the next week or two. I had such a good time that I can not wait. I really value the time spent connecting with my friends as a woman. 

Jumping back to my last post, I stated I was going to start looking for a councilor or therapist. to help me figure out how to progress further as Candice. Well I have not found one yet but I should have someone by the end of the week. All I know is that I love being Candice and I want to be the best woman I can, full or part time. I just need some help figuring it all out, I do have one dear friend who is happy that I am trying to find professional guidance. She worries about me getting hurt as a result of me coming out as transgendered. Either by outright rejection or negative/disrespectful actions from people. We sat and talked for a few hours the other night on this topic. I told her that I fully expect some rejection by people on some levels but as bad as that may hurt, it is nothing compared to the pain and darkness of living in a prison of my own creation, also known as being in the closet. I have escaped from that prison and I am never going back. Nothing anyone can say or do could hurt worse than having the dark drive to kill yourself because you feel alone and lost. No one can really hurt me. I have been through too much. Okay that was a bit of a rant. Sorry. Do not get me wrong. I truly love my friend and I love the honesty we share. Our open discourse is a gift in my eyes. I am just very passionate about being true to who I am and helping others understand where I am coming from. 

This week I am meeting the ladies Tuesday night for sushi, gossip and laughter. Thursday I am meeting another group of girlfriends for cocktails (as you know I love that word [giggle]). There are also tentative plans for next Sunday night as well. I love being a busy gal on the go! And now it is time for me to go to bed but before I do... time for the  gratuitous butt shots! 

Enjoy! I hope everyone has a wonderful week! XXOO.

Candi.