Out of Left Field...

Hi friends! Let me start by telling you all what a crazy amazing week it has been for this gal! Several days ago while at breakfast I receive a call from a woman telling me I may be her half brother! (readers of this blog should know that I am actually a man who lives part time as a woman). Well as we spoke all the pieces fit into place...  The tale goes like this... a long time ago my mother was involved with a man and I was a product of that relationship. Sadly the man was not a good person. While my mother was pregnant with me he was carrying on with another woman who was pregnant at the same time as my mother! As a note, he already had one child with the woman a year earlier. As one could expect everything went south. He and my mother split and my biological father went to to have three more children with the other woman before things fell apart in that relationship. The man who is my biological father is, how can I say this... He is not a good man. He was abusive, narcissistic, a almost pathological liar, a absentee father and almost never paid any kind of child support, and there is the criminal record! Yea its great to have selection of mugshots of your father to pick from! I have never had any contact with my biological father and have no memory of him. Over the years he has either denied my existence or ignored the subject all together. The only reason my siblings found out about me is because their mother spilled the beans to one of my sisters. So 20 plus years later they found me and now I have three half brothers and two half sisters!How cool is that!

The big question is, how does Candice fit into this mix! I have already resolved the fact that I could never come out to my family. I am just too tightly wound up. This is also the biggest limiting factor in how far I can go as Candice. I guess a lifetime of living a double life and keeping secrets has a price. But now with the "new" family I have a chance to reinvent myself and take a different path. Because there will not be any active connection between my family and the "new" family, I can slowly feel them out and if it looks like a good situation I can gradually introduce my feminine side to my new siblings. I know my two "new sisters" would be very cool. and even my "new" brothers I feel would accept the idea. I have sent them photos of me as Candice from "costume parties" wink, wink. and have received good feedback. For now though I feel the best course of action it to continue to focus on learning about each other and establishing bonds. Ultimately I may chose to not tell them anything. It all depends on how things progress with them and how I continue to progress as a woman. Because I am almost completely out as Candice I feel a need to avoid creating another closet when it comes to my "new" siblings. Only time will tell.

Over the last few weeks I have been my normal social self, girl about town and all. Of course any excuse to show off the new Coach purse! Sorry its been a while but I am still excited about my first Coach! Can you blame a girl? I think not.

One night I went to dinner with a girlfriend I almost never get to see. We had a wonderful night together and a great meal at fun downtown spot. I almost never go out in guy mode nowadays. Spending time with my girlfriends and as a woman is what makes me happiest.

One Tuesday night we went to happy hour at a very swanky steak house. The happy hour deals were amazing and all $5!

I just love finding deals like that. I would have never expected a place like that to have such specials. and it was another excuse to show off the Coach!

Last Monday I went to a friends house for a going away party. sadly she is moving out of state. The cool thing is she is moving to Oregon. Looks like I will be planning a trip there too! Her sister gave me a super cool high heel boot purse! Being a girl really does rock!

Last Tuesday I took the new boot purse to dinner with a few of the gals. I told the Coach bag it was nothing personal and that she is still my favorite! I think she understood :-)

These last few weeks have been crazy  and all of it topped of with the discovery of a whole "new" family! So much to process! I will be going out this week for girls night out and hopefully having some more to tell you concerning my siblings. I hope everyone had a fun and safe 4th I will leave you with one oe sunglasses shot and the regular butt shots as well! Take care! 

Okay last one. Gosh that is a lot of ass! I need to post more between nights out! Be good to your self and the people around you! 

XXOO
Candi

I Am Such A Girl!

Hi girlfriends! Let me start by telling you that I have acquired my first new designer purse and wallet!

OMG! I am hooked! I never gave much thought to how much fun it is to have a true designer bag before. Remember I am coming from the male (ugh) world where, even though I was a closeted crossdresser the idea of wanting a bag like this did not make a lot of sense. After all a purse is a purse right? Wrong! There is something so amazing about owning a purse like this. Its really just a simple little bag, yet it is so much more. I received the bag on Saturday from my girlfriend Kelly who while on a trip to Mane picked the bag up for me. Thank you Kelly!!! (I love her). I brought the purse home and spent the rest of the night sitting on the couch with it over my shoulder or just feeling it! I could not put it down! I even ended up falling asleep on the couch (more about that damn couch later) cuddled up with it! I even went to so far as to post photos of my purse and wallet on Facebook. All I know is I have a new habit to feed and I now understand where my friend Michelle A.K.A. The Queen of Handbags and High Heels is coming from!

Since my last post I have had a few outings with my girlfriends. Two of the girls and I went out for sushi to this little place on the northwest side of town. I am not a huge fan of sushi but this place had wonderful food and great service.

The next night out we went to a swanky burger joint. We have been there before and the burgers are really good, The surprising thing is that the place also has a fantastic Chinese chicken salad! Yummy!

Please note that the purse in the above photo is not my new Coach bag... Just so there is no confusion over what bag it is. LOL. The next night out I joined a wonderful group of girls I do not have the opportunity to go out with very often. We had our dinner at a nice little Greek bistro. We had such a good time. I must say one thing about all my girlfriends, they all have amazing, sharp, brilliant senses of humor with just the right amount of sarcasm (that would be a lot of sarcasm).  

Tomorrow night  I am meeting the girls for our regular Tuesday night out and i can not wait because it will the  my first time out with the new Coach bag! I am so excited. It is hard for me to wrap my head around how the purse makes me feel. I think I am ovulating over it! 


The first week of the month the local LGBT support organization has a open meeting for members of the transgendered (MtF and FtM) community and their family and friends. I will be attending that meeting with a girlfriend to see what it is all about. I also plan on attending a MtF meeting the following week. My goal is to see what resources are out there and to find a recommendation for a counselor/therapist. I may even make a few friends along the way. 


Oh, and about that damn couch! For years (10!) I did not have a television (yes I am one of those people) and I almost never sat on my couch. Now I have a big HD flat screen and a nice couch and I am constantly passing out on the damn thing waking up at 3AM by the light of some infommercial. (that is why this is getting posted at 5AM) It has gotten to the point that when I get home late enough, I must walk in the house, not turn on any lights, go straight to the bedroom (right past the couch) take off my clothes only go to the bathroom to take off my makeup! If I sit on that couch I will end up sleeping there in my clothes and makeup. Let me tell you no one wants to see that in the morning! Its like a mini "walk of shame" from the couch to the bathroom. I would rather do a real "walk of shame" at least I would have something to show for it (shirt on backwards and smudged lipstick?).


On that note I have had to fend off only one tranny chaser since my past posting. I think they are figuring it out or I am just not as hot as I think I am. Either way it is nice not being bothered by creepy guys. 


Well its time for the butt shots and I need to get ready for work in guy land (hate it so much). Love you all and I will see you on my next posting! Bee good... or not, your all grown ups (I hope so anyway).

XXOO
Candi.

Happy Sunday!

Our regular Tuesday night with the girls was a lot of fun. We had dinner at a local Mexican establishment. The food was amazing as was the company. I know we will be back another night soon. At dinner I told the girls about the latest guy to hit on me online. This one told me I was a "hot M.I.L.F."  How flattering! What a charmer that one is! You have got to admire tranny chasers. Persistent little buggers. This guy was promptly blocked and I am sure that he is hitting on the next girl he finds at this very moment (unless the universe provided the bus needed to run him over).  One of the girls and I carpooled to dinner So when I took her back home we ended up taking a tour of her home (beautifully done) and talking for a while longer.It is so nice to connect with friends as Candice.

Sometimes I end up with a much deeper and closer connection with friends as Candice then I did as my male self. I appreciate that so much. I like to think of it as a added benefit of allowing my feminine side to develop and express its self. Simply the friendships that I have as Candice are deeper and more fulfilling then  some of the friendships I have as a male, even with the same people.

Since coming out, I have had quite a few one on one dinners with friends who have wanted to meet Candice. For so many people having a person like me come along (openly) is so far outside of their experience all that they want to do is ask questions and try to understand where I am coming from. I love answering the questions and helping them get a better grasp of the issue. And it helps me process all the changes I have made in my own life. As a funny side note, (much like the M.I.L.F. story above) form time to time things happen to show me how much of a girl I really am. Yesterday a friend from my male world (who does not know of Candice) sent me a link to a porn site (gasp!) video showing a woman making a guy very happy in a public park. Of course what do I do while watching the clip... I stop and go back to check out her jeans and shoes! Yup... I am a girl.

Tonight was one of those one on one dinners with a friend meeting Candice for the first time. My friend is so sweet. We shared so much and talked for a couple of hours. We will be going out again in the next week or two. I had such a good time that I can not wait. I really value the time spent connecting with my friends as a woman. 

Jumping back to my last post, I stated I was going to start looking for a councilor or therapist. to help me figure out how to progress further as Candice. Well I have not found one yet but I should have someone by the end of the week. All I know is that I love being Candice and I want to be the best woman I can, full or part time. I just need some help figuring it all out, I do have one dear friend who is happy that I am trying to find professional guidance. She worries about me getting hurt as a result of me coming out as transgendered. Either by outright rejection or negative/disrespectful actions from people. We sat and talked for a few hours the other night on this topic. I told her that I fully expect some rejection by people on some levels but as bad as that may hurt, it is nothing compared to the pain and darkness of living in a prison of my own creation, also known as being in the closet. I have escaped from that prison and I am never going back. Nothing anyone can say or do could hurt worse than having the dark drive to kill yourself because you feel alone and lost. No one can really hurt me. I have been through too much. Okay that was a bit of a rant. Sorry. Do not get me wrong. I truly love my friend and I love the honesty we share. Our open discourse is a gift in my eyes. I am just very passionate about being true to who I am and helping others understand where I am coming from. 

This week I am meeting the ladies Tuesday night for sushi, gossip and laughter. Thursday I am meeting another group of girlfriends for cocktails (as you know I love that word [giggle]). There are also tentative plans for next Sunday night as well. I love being a busy gal on the go! And now it is time for me to go to bed but before I do... time for the  gratuitous butt shots! 

Enjoy! I hope everyone has a wonderful week! XXOO.

Candi.

Saturday Rolls Around.

Happy Saturday to all my friends. I would like to start by saying thank you once more to all my friends who made my "first birthday" as Candice so special. I love you all! It is a holiday weekend and I am spending a little more time in girl mode. It feels so good to let my girl out! I am still struggling with how to define my future path given the realities of my current situation. I am starting to feel that I need to talk to someone in a professional manner. In some respects my ability to express Candice is starting to reach its practical limits and I want more. I am just not sure how to proceed, or even if I am really able to at this point. I have been out for just under a year to closer friends and really out in a very public sense for just under 8 months. This all is all truly so new to me that I could use some guidance. The one thing I can say is that I in no way ever intend to go back in to that closet or deny who I am. Heck being a girl rocks! wearing this beats cargo pants and a ratty t shirt any day!

So it has been a little while since my birthday post and I am sorry for the delay. The Tuesday following my birthday celebration I  was out with the girls for our regular dinner. This time we went to a nice bistro near the university in our town. This was the same place my girlfriend and I had dinner after the ballet a few weeks ago. It was nice because the students have all gone home for the summer and the establishment was not packed as usual.

One of the girls snapped a photo of myself and a girlfriend next to me for her Facebook page. The funny this was that on the window directly behind where my friend was sitting is a large logo. In the photo it looks like she is wearing a giant bonnet!

I was sitting in her place. It would look like "Little Tranny on the Prairie"... okay it sounds funny in my head. The food was great and I can not wait to go back.

This past Tuesday was my girlfriends birthday dinner. It was so nice to spend time with her and make some new friends. She has been a wonderful supporter and I was so happy that I could help celebrate her special day as Candice. Happy Birthday Beautiful I love you!

The next night (Wednesday) I wad dinner with a few other girlfriends mostly because a few of the girls wanted to go out and can not make the regular Tuesday night outings. And one girlfriends wanted to give me a belated birthday wish because she had to miss my birthday dinner. She is so sweet.

Spending time with the girls is so much fun. Next Tuesday we are going to a great Mexican place for dinner. Yummy! Well that's it for now kids. So because it has been a while since the last  post you get a couple of butt shots! Enjoy!

XXOO
Candi

49th Post For My 49th Birthday

Hello my friends! I hope all is well with each of you. This Tuesday I turned 49! and it is my 49th post on this blog, nice little coincidence I would say. I started this week with a outing Sunday afternoon attending a ballet production of Cinderella with a wonderful girlfriend. The show was amazing, and I loved being there as Candice. When my girlfriend called and asked me if I would like to go I immediately sad yes! When I hung up with her I thought what the hell do I wear to a daytime ballet ? So I consulted the all knowing "Google" and got some good ideas. What I picked out is the outfit in the photos above and below... what do you think?

I posted these photos on Facebook and everyone who commented loved the outfit. After the show we had a early dinner near the shows venue and chatted our meal away. On a side note, while at dinner my girlfriend discovered her cell phone was missing. Luck would have it that her boyfriend was able to download a GPS tracker on the missing phone and follow it to a home on the other side of town! She recovered the phone, apparently a young girl picked it up from where it was dropped. How cool is that! The whole day was so great I can not wait for my next theater outing!

Moving on to Tuesday night and my birthday celebration!  I invited a bunch of my girlfriends (GG's) to help me mark my first birthday openly as Candice. What a amazing night. around 30 women joined me on this special day!

As a added treat I stopped at a M.A.C. Cosmetics store near the restaurant where we were having our dinner and had my make up done. What a treat that was! I went with one of my close friends so she could watch what the makeup artist was doing. I had her turn me around so I could not see what was going on. I wanted to be surprised. I was! I turned around and took one look at myself and said out loud... "I am a whore! I love it!"  Okay, I did not look like a whore. I loved the look though, She used false eyelashes and I have never used them before. What a difference! I think I am now addicted to them! I must add that I will be going back to the M.A.C store soon for privet makeup lesions, its worth it!

I love being out of that damn closet! being able to celebrate my birthday as a woman was amazing! My girlfriends are so loving and supportive, I could not ask for a greater gift then that! Of course I did get wonderful birthday gifts too!  Everything from wine to lingerie to a hand made scarf to a framed collection of photos from past girls nights out!

I want to thank all my dear Friends who took the time to be with me on my "first birthday"! You all made me feel special and loved. I have never been happier than I am now and I owe it to the friends who have stuck by me, I love you all!

Time for the butt shot... this time you get two! Heck its my birthday week! :-)

Have a great day everyone!

XXOO
Candi

Events...

Hi friends! I have so much to tell you all about. First, this Sunday I am going with a girlfriend to the ballet. I love the arts and have been wanting to start attending theater events as Candice for a long time now. This is a wonderful opportunity and I am so thankful to my friend for thinking of me. Also this week is a big one for this girl. This coming Tuesday is my birthday (yea me!). What makes it special is that it is the first birthday I am openly celebrating as Candice! I am having a dinner and cocktails (love that word) at a very nice restaurant with about 30 girlfriends (at last count). All of them "GG's" (Genetic Girls). You know I will be blogging and posting photos from both events! The fun part is trying to figure out what to wear. I guess I am becoming more and more of a woman! I will be taking a few day off from work early this week as part of my birthday plans (this is where it pays to be your own boss) so I can Spend Sunday through Wednesday completely in girl mode. I have not been able to spend that much consecutive time as Candice since this past New Years Weekend. I can't wait!

  

So this past Tuesday was a bust for our regular girls night out. Work issues prevented me form going out in girl mode (that sucked). But I really can not complain too much. In the last 6 months work has only messed up my plans twice. Not bad for 35-40 events as Candice over that time. Now both times I was very depressed that I did not get my girl time out. Being a woman and being out has become such a part of  my normal life, that I hate when anything interferes with my girl time. On the bright side, Candice truly does have a life of her own. I love when girlfriends invite me as female to events, dinners, outings etc... I cherish every second of that time.

So going back to the previous Tuesday night dinner with the girls... We went to a swanky little pizza place and had a great dinner. The food was amazing. The salad I had was so good I ordered one to go so I could have one for lunch the nest day. We will definitely be back there soon (yum). I love the conversations we get int, work (ugh), relationships (much like work at times), sex (yes please) gossip (fun) etc... One of the topics we talked about was the friend I lost over coming out as Candice. I am still hoping the loss is temporary. I have reached out about half a dozen times by various methods,  phone, text, email. Facebook... No response. It is sad because we were so close and this change in attitude has only been resent. She has known about this side of me for a very long time. To lose only one friend out of over 100 who know is really good statistically.  

Sunday night I went to a friends home for dinner. Two other girlfriends were visiting from out of town and wanted to get together. I truly adore these women and wish they did not live so far away! I had  great conversation with one of the girls. She gave me some amazing feedback about this blog and her perspective on gender and sexuality. I wish I could have continued out talk. I had to leave but was planning to return shortly. Unfortunately it was late and I hit my wall and had to call it a night. I will drop her a email this week. I love open and honest discourse and criticism pro or con. Keeping a open mind and being respectful is part of what makes a well rounded and well adjusted person.

On a lighter note (as if I am posting a blog about foreign policy) My girlfriend Kelly and I went to a pilates  class... I have one thing to say... OUCH. Now I went in guy mode only because even I would find it disturbing to see me in a sports bra and capri yoga pants! Now a couple of things happened during the class. First, it was a "core" workout class and I found out I have no "core" . I did look on Amazon when I got home and apparently you simply can not buy a "core" online. Well what good is all this damn e-commerce  anyway if you can't get what you want !?!  From what I now understand I actually must "work" on my core through exercise... Sigh... The second thing that happened is that I pulled a muscle in my frigging armpit! WTF! I have no idea how, but it is funny. So Saturday Kelly and I will be trying a yoga class at the same place. And yes it is a Groupon deal and Kelly is the Queen of the Groupon! I will let you know how it goes when I post after my birthday festivities.

Yup, another butt shot. Have a good week everyone, and if you are planning on attending a pilates class watch out for the risk of "pit sprain" See you all next time!

XXOO 

Candi.